Today is the rarest of occurrences, an entire Saturday to myself. Little Mitch is off for a sleepover at Grandmas and Mrs. Mitch is working until 10:30PM. If ever there was a day that I needed a Mitch Day; today is the day. It wasn’t so much that I had a bad week, but it was just one of those weeks where I felt a little more wore down every day. The pestle of life ground me down to a fine paste. My word. That was either an abysmal metaphor, or the name of one of those self important indie rock bands that take themselves way too seriously. “Pestle of Life” on tour this summer with opening acts “Vomiting Hot Chick” and “Magenta Placenta.”
With the ultra rare opportunity of a day sans wife and offspring I put myself into self imposed exile at the library to hone my craft and write todays blog-isode. Is there any phrase more pompous than “hone my craft?” I hear actors use this all the time, and I always wonder why is it people in the arts industry are the only ones who predominantly use this phrase? I can see a painter, sculptor, actor, dancer, or musician needing to hone their craft to achieve any sort of artistic authenticity. But what about the unartistic masses such as myself? We should apply this phrase to the mundane acts of our day to day life. I’m going to start referring to my masturbation as “honing my craft.” If there’s ever a masturbation championship tournament I’d be a serious contender. When I’m interviewed by ESPN after my late round defeat in the tournament I could say “I never wanted to win, I just wanted to go the distance.”
I’d like to see the rest of society start using this phrase.
“He’s honing his craft flipping burgers at McDonald’s this summer”
Joan decided that the years spent honing her craft having promiscuous sex with anonymous strangers that it was a logical career move to enter the adult film industry.
You can tell the way that guy pushes a mop he’s had years to hone his craft.
“Gross, the dog is honing his craft on the carpet again!”
Speaking of dogs, (like that transition?) after many years of negotiation the Mitch family is going to be getting a dog. Mrs. Mitch and Little Mitch finally wore me down. I agreed under 2 conditions. One we can only get a Bulldog and two I get veto on any dog names. So far “Norman” and “Krypto” are in the running. I’m just not a dog person. Last summer we dog sat for a friend of ours. At first I didn’t mind the dog but by day two the canine was getting on my nerves. This experience cemented my resolve to not get a dog but to be fair this dog was not particularly bright. In fact he lit his tail on fire, twice. I’ve always wanted to know what burning Retriever smells like, now I know. Check that one off my bucket list.
I think the other reason that I was holding out on getting a dog was that I didn’t want to add one more creatures bodily functions to my daily schedule. The reason I bring this up is that I noticed that friends of mine with dogs would often have to work out their schedule around letting the dog out or taking the dog for a walk to do its business. “I think I can squeeze a movie in but I first have to run home to let the dog out to go to the bathroom.” I already have to contend with Mrs. Mitch’s and Little Mitch’s bodily functions. They both have marble sized bladders so you can imagine how many bathroom stops we have to make on a family outing.
Then I have to consider my own bodily functions. The lithium I’m on for my bipolar disorder makes me pee like every forty five minutes, not to mention the irregularity the medication causes. Think constipation sucks? Irregularity is worse. Try having no poop schedule whatsoever. Each poop sneaks up on me like a ninja at the most inopportune of times; “This jog is going great, I’m in the zone, uh oh.” “I am so hot for you right now baby, yeah that feels good, uh oh” “Before I eulogize Uncle Stan let me start by saying he was loved by, uh oh.” Do I really want to add a canine to an already jammed family bodily function schedule?
The other reason I was holding out on getting a dog was I’m terrified of becoming what I refer to as “dog people.” You know when your walking and you see a person walking their dog and the dog is an interesting breed. So you say something like “cool dog.” Well next thing you know you get “its a very rare purebred ‘whatever’…that I got from this breeder that I found… and the interesting thing about this breed…. they can do basic algebra…their hearing is very good …their sense of smell…. but their digestive tract…..” and so on and on and on on. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, “I didn’t ask and your very rare pure-breed is licking his ass right now.” That’s what I refer to as “dog people.”