Wedding Drunks: Part Two (Originally Published July 31, 2010)

Without further ado;

Mitch’s Top Ten Favourite Wedding Drunks Part Two: Drunk Harder. 

6. Fifth Gear: You’re at the wedding, dinners done, the speeches are done, people are socializing the DJ is just getting the music going, you always see that one guy who’s partying harder than everyone else. Drinking like he’s a frat boy on graduation weekend while you’re still on your first drink….and it’s only 6:15 pm. I call this dude “the Fifth Gear Drunk.” While everybody is taking it easy and social drinking this guy has been pounding them back in high gear since two that afternoon.

My favourite thing about Fifth Gear drunk is that there’s always that point in the evening where some older member of the family patriarchy has to get one his sober friends to go tell him to quit being such an A-hole. You see the friend walk over to the dance floor nonchalantly to not cause a scene where Fifth Gear has his shirt off, wearing his cummerbund as a kamikaze style headband and is rocking hard to the “Chicken Dance.” The sad part is the DJ played that song ten minutes ago and is now playing that Celine Dion song from Titanic. Sober Friend whispers something and you see the look on Fifth Gear’s face go from complete unabashed enthusiasm to complete dismay in three seconds. The sudden shocking realization you’ve been a complete A-hole, and then you see the gears turning in Fifth Gear’s mind as he takes mental inventory of how he become the official nuptial A-hole. 

7. Political Drunk: Out off all the wedding drunks this is the one I can’t stand the most. Not for the drunk himself, mainly for the fact that Mitch has zero political interest in anything whatsoever. I have no political viewpoints, leanings, agendas, or anything else to do with politics. Frankly, I just don’t care nor can I care. You know how some people are just not into sports, that’s how I am with politics. There’s always that one person who after a few cocktails wants to get into a little political debate. They always have that one opening line akin to “So, what do you think about (insert political news topic here)?” This is where you have to be extremely careful like defusing a bomb blindfolded or answering  your wife’s pillow talk question “so what’s your fantasy?”; the margin for error here is razor thin. It doesn’t matter what your answer is. No matter what answer you give, Political Drunk will contradict your opinion and it’s on for the next fifteen rounds. Political drunk doesn’t care what your opinion or ideas are they just want to mentally spar with you. Personally, my advice is to feign gastrointestinal issues and escape; nobody ever questions the possibility of you involuntarily evacuating your bowels.

8. One Upper/Point Pooper: There’s always that one drunk who feels the need to one up your story with some tale bordering on the fantastical. You just got over a cold, they had ebola. You got a good deal on your car, they got theirs for free and the salesman let him nail his ultra hot wife in the backseat. You once got lost on a stroll, they once ended up in Nicaragua after a weekend bender. No matter what you do, they do it one better, and then some. Be careful as well of the One Upper’s variant cousin the “Point Pooper.” You make a witty observation or joke and they proceed to take a dump on your point. “…so I say to the waiter, no thanks, but the clams are fresh!” Wait for the laughter; nope. Point Pooper cuts in with “Actually, shucked clams should be plump, smell fresh, and feel heavy for their size. Avoid those with the odour of ammonia. The clam juice should be clear with no shell fragments.” If you want to parry the Point Pooper, come right out and ask them why they are pooping on your point. It’s amazing you can actually see their ass muscles clench from their facial expression alone as you call them on their douche play. 

9. Death and Disease Drunk:  I find this to be the strangest drunk. I would say D&D Drunk not to be one drunk but a conglomeration of various family members. To me a wedding should be celebration of life, love and family. Have you ever noticed that as the conversation rolls on at the wedding you get from various family members: 

-“You know who has (insert disease)?”

-“I heard that the infection spread to his (insert body part). 

-“Well, the Alzheimer’s has spread so we should have the party soon. Or we could just tell him we had the party.” 

-“Well after the run of antibiotics the doctors had to operate.” 

-“His wife found his corpse on top of the she-male hooker in their den. She said he never looked happier.”

You get the general idea. As the night rolls on people start taking familial inventory of the death and disease stats in the family tree. I find this so strange. It might just be me but a fifteen minute conversation with an extended relative about Uncle Ray’s ass cancer biopsy kind of harshes my wedding mellow. 

10. Shawshank Drunk: The latest edition to Mitch’s collection of wedding rummies comes courtesy of Mrs. Mitch’s sister’s wedding last weekend. I was sitting having a very nice long chat with Mrs. Mitch’s cousin, we hit it off and she was a real cool chick to shoot the breeze with. Mrs. Mitch comes over with a cousin from Newfoundland and asks me to show her my tattoos. As the four of us started to talk tattoos, some guy reeking of broken hope, failed dreams and rye whiskey comes stumbling over and slurs his way into the conversation uninvited. I really can’t do his contributions justice but let’s break down the game film:

He lifts up his shirt to show us his self drawn prison tattoos and spills half a beer down his torso in the process. Then proceeds to pull down the front of his pants to show another tattoo complete with a flash of old guy pubes. That’s it. I’m buying some Just for Men for my wang area that was a terrifying vision of the future.  

After realizing he told us that his tats were prison tattoos he explains yes, he went to prison but not to worry. He didn’t go to jail for child molesting or murder or anything like that. it was just for robbing some banks, and it was only three banks. Oh, good I feel safer already. 

He then showed us his nipple ring he put in himself. His wife gave it to him the day he went in to do his time in the stony lonesome. But it was ripped off in a prison fight. See a dudes nipple ripped off during prison fight, oh yes here it is, #23 on the bucket list, check!

At this awkward, slightly frightening point in the conversation Mrs. Mitch pulls a Jedi mind trick and gets me and her cool chick cousin out of there but in the process had to throw the Newfoundland cousin under the creepy bus and leave her with the drunk I dubbed “Shawshank.”

No need to thank me. I’m an Idea man it’s what I do. 

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