Breaking Up (Originally Published August 20, 2010)

Originally when I started Mitch Being Honest I was aiming for a solid fifty two weeks of blogisodes. For no other reason than having a solid years worth of entries, at about 1000 words a blogisode multiplied by 52 would work out to 52,000 words give or take. I thought that would be a fairly groovy personal milestone to strive for. Alas, after a Brett Favre-esque fifteen straight weeks of blogging, my iron man streak came to an end. Felled by illness and ravaged by disease last weekend I did not post a blogisode. Well, really it wasn’t that bad. It was just a formidable head cold, or menopause I can’t say for certain I was having hot flashes and was a wee bit bitchy, it probably was just a cold, but I have stopped menstruating. Without further digressions let’s hop back on the blog train. 

Mitch’s Break-Up Letter to Working Out.

Dear Working Out,

We need to talk. I’ve been thinking about our rocky relationship these past few years and after much soul searching I think we should start seeing other people. I’ve reached a point in my life where I feel we both want different things now, we are in different places. This is never easy, and I know it hurts now but someday you will see that this breakup is best for both of us. I’ve never been good with breakups but I’ll try my best.

-It’s not you, it’s me-  

In all honesty Working Out, it’s nothing you did or said it is just me. When we’re together Working Out I’m just not feeling it. There’s no passion, no drive. I don’t feel that fire in my ample belly to stay with you Working Out. It’s hard to be motivated with you Working Out when I just go from fat, flabby and out of shape to fat, flabby and slightly less out of shape. Curse these aboriginal genetics, they blessed me with ruggedly charming good looks but a snails pace metabolism! I just don’t see this relationship going any further, we had a good run we had our weight ups and downs, but I just can’t do this anymore. There’s no reward for me. Please don’t cry, it makes me really uncomfortable. Kind of like sweating; that makes me really uncomfortable too, I hate it and when we’re together Working Out, you may have noticed I sweat, a lot. 

-I don’t see this relationship going the distance- 

Yes, I know if we spend time together Working Out it could increase my life span but really have you thought of the logistics of that? Let’s ballpark that by staying with you I get another 10-15 years on the Mitch odometer. On paper that doesn’t sound too bad does it? Another decade and a half, pretty good deal. A-ha! Here’s the bait and switch you pulled on me Working Out. The extra 10-15 years are tacked on the end! Those are some of  the worst years anyways. Let’s say without you Working Out I could make it to 70-ish. Tack on another decade or so from staying with you and I’m looking at the 80-85 range. Really at that point does an extra 10-15 years make that much of a difference? In that age range I would be worried more about defecating my pants in public, the frightening prospect of never achieving an erection again, or getting lost in the supermarket, Or hell, all three at once, defecting my pants down the dairy aisle, losing my erection in the produce section and not knowing I’m in a supermarket with pants full of poop and a perma-floppy wang when the senility kicks in. You want to stretch the possibility of that happening for another decade and a half? No thanks doll, that was a bum deal you cut me. You should have tacked on those extra 10-15 years in my 20-35 year old range and made those pinnacle sex years last another decade and a half.

-I’m seeing other people-

I’m sorry Working Out but I’m seeing someone else. Actually it’s a couple of people. There’s HDPVR. She’s sleek, knows what I like, and entertains me for hours with high definition entertainment at my convenience. Now that she’s got the high definition football package, I have no reason to leave the house to sow my wild oats. Please stop being so dramatic Working Out, I still think you’re special. It’s just that a man has certain needs and a HDPVR with a high definition football package satisfies those needs in a way you never could. I’m also seeing HDPVR’s hot open minded sister Blu-Ray. You knew when we got together I love movies, hell I got a film degree honey, don’t act so shocked. I just can’t be out with you Working Out when theres always a stack of films at home waiting for me. 

-It’s not the years honey, it’s the mileage-

I’m sorry Working Out but being with you was such an off and on again affair, I grew frustrated and eventually checked out emotionally of the relationship all together. We would be together for a good three weeks, all would be well and then I would come down with a cold or flu and would have to break it off with you for a week or two as I recovered. Then we would start up again get a couple weeks under our belt then I would throw my back out or twist my knee and take a few days off to recover again. Then we would start up again and quickly get derailed by my seasonal allergies and eventual sinus infection and at least two weeks of recovery. I’m sorry Working Out I just can’t do the constant stopping and starting anymore. It’s like going on a first date with the same person over and over again with zero chance of getting laid. Where’s the payoff? 

Look. we had a good run. We had some laughs, some good times. But I’m moving on, and I think you should too. You still got your looks, you’ll find someone someday who you’ll make happy. 

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