Hopes, Dreams, Prison Time (Originally Published October 30, 2010)

Happy Halloween, faithful readers. I basically think there are two camps when it comes to Halloween. Camp one: the people who put a lot of time and effort into thinking of, then creating really innovative costumes then spend the night showing off said costume at a halloween party. Camp two: the people who feel like the idea of even thinking of a costume idea and then putting on said costume sounds like a lot of work. Mitch falls in the latter category. I just can’t think of any good costume ideas and the thought of putting on a costume to go to a party seems like work. 

On the other hand, I would contend that most parties are like halloween parties anyway. You put on different clothes than what you are wearing at home, put on your party persona, present a socially acceptable mediocre version of yourself and go out and pretend for a few hours that you’re someone else. I call mine “Party Mitch”, funny, charming, quick witted and a great listener, I’m a quadruple threat, I’m the total package! If you need a wing man, I do rent my services out for parties, weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, and interventions. 

We always try to present our best self at social functions, it’s like we wear an invisible mask. Wouldn’t it be refreshing just once at a party to say how you really feel when someone asks “How are you?”, “Well for the most part good. I’m a little bloated from the curry kabobs from earlier. And my knees are aching from the cold weather and I’m feeling a little inadequate and threatened by Janice’s new fitness trainer/underwear model boyfriend she brought to the party. The erection I’ve had for the past 45 minutes is getting a little uncomfortable but your wife is looking fantastic, all her Pilates is really paying off. And you, how are you doing?” Now that I think about it, answering “how are you?” honestly at a party may not be such a good idea.

The other night Mrs. Mitch and I sat down to fill out a project for Little Mitch’s pre-kindergarten class. It sounded simple enough; we had to list three hopes and dreams for Little Mitch. After thirty minutes I was stumped. It’s not that I don’t have any hopes and dreams for the product of my loins. It’s just for a project like this I don’t want to phone in a bland generic answer like “have a happy childhood” or go too far on the other end of the spectrum; “I want Little Mitch to be CEO of a thriving commercial real estate firm that will someday go global, while keeping its overhead low by outsourcing its operations out of India, but maximizing profit by skirting semi-illegally around vague, confusing tax laws.” 

All I could come up with was “Not do any prison time.” I thought this was a pinnacle answer but Mrs. Mitch shot that down faster than me suggesting a threesome with her hot cousin. “We can’t put that!” she exclaimed. I replied, “What’s wrong with that answer? I can guarantee that no other kid in his class will have that answer! What parent doesn’t want their kid to not do prison time?” After a few minutes we just gave up on agreeing on any answers and went to bed.

So I’ve been ruminating these past few days about hopes and dreams I have for Little Mitch and I have to say I’m not any closer to answering one, let alone coming up with three. It’s not that I don’t have hopes and dreams for my son it’s just that I’m not a long term thinker, I think in the short term, and I for the life of me cannot visualize at all, I’m incapable of visualizing, my brain can’t do it. Combine this with the fact that I am a very practical man, the hopes and dreams I have for Little Mitch are really short term, and sensible. When he started school the only hope and dream I had for him was praying, and I mean capital “P” praying he didn’t whip out his wang at school and scream “WEENIS! HA! HA! HA!” as he tends to do for a quick cheap laugh. 

I could say that one hope and dream is that he someday gets a school girlfriend, because I never had one when I went to school. But as Little Mitch often tends to do things faster and early than I expect, he’s already got a girlfriend at the ripe age of four. He’s got a girlfriend named “Emma.” The thing is, he’s totally matter of fact “no big thang” cool about it. I first learned about his main squeeze when I took him to a birthday party and when we get there this blond girl comes bounding up to him, long blond curls bouncing with each excited step, and lays a big hug on him, while squealing “I’m so happy you’re here!” After the party, we’re walking home and I ask Little Mitch “So dude. Is Emma your girlfriend?” I tried to do my most “gentle loving dad voice” for fear of embarrassing him but he replied with a non-nonchalance demeanour like I asked him if he was wearing socks today, “Yup, she’s my girlfriend. We’re best friends. Can I have my candy?” The funniest part of his boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is that Emma has 6 inches and about 20 pounds on Little Mitch. 

I think the reason I’m having trouble with the hopes and dreams question is that Little Mitch is only four and I still think of him as my baby. He still sleeps in our bed with us, we’ll explore that topic in another blogisode. Seeing as I relinquished my opinion on the project to Mrs. Mitch I will post the three hopes and dreams I have for Little Mitch here:

1. Not do any prison time. 

2. Hope he locks his door when he’s a teenager so I don’t walk in on him masturbating.

3. See # 1. 

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One thought on “Hopes, Dreams, Prison Time (Originally Published October 30, 2010)

  1. decimawho says:

    I think everyone just wants their kids to be happy. Some parents want their kids to achieve all the things they didn’t, which is not a good platform for parenting, if you ask me.

    I want kiddo to be happy and healthy and live life to the fullest. 🙂

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