Monthly Archives: December 2012

Mitch’s One Line Review Of Jingle All The Way (1996).

“Wow! The kid from The Phantom Menace AND Sinbad in the same film? This movie is great!” Said no one, any time, anywhere, ever.1996-jingle-all-the-way-poster1

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Mitch’s One Line Review Of After Porn Ends (2010)

“Retired porn stars have problems. Scary problems.”

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Mitch, Adequate Warrior (Originally Published April 1, 2011)

Greetings faithful readers, what’s new with Mitch? On the employment front we are pleased to announce that Mrs. Mitch got a promotion at her Home Depot gig to full time. Yes, the Mitch family is finally living the dual full time income dream. Besides the monetary upside, Mrs. Mitch and I will be able to see each other more often. 

Before her promotion she would work five evenings a week. I would often be in bed when she got home. It’s no surprise that this took a heavy toll on our marriage. We essentially became roommates who never saw each other, mostly conversed by text and had sex on the weekends. Alas, this was not the best recipe for a happy marriage; which eventually reached its toxic apex with a vein bulging screaming match on a family road trip. Even Little Mitch got in on the verbal fisticuffs on that one; a definite low point for the Mitch dynasty.

I won’t bore you with the details of how we got our marriage on track. We hashed things out, got honest with one another and made arrangements to fulfill what was missing in our relationship, all the typical Dr. Phil0 relationship clichés. I will tell you though we did end up going to marriage counseling and it ended in archetypal Mitch fashion. Me storming out and yelling at the counselor loud enough so the entire office could hear, “you know what? You can go (expletive for sexual intercourse) yourself lady!!!” I stewed outside the office for 20 minutes while Mrs. Mitch finished the session. When they do a career retrospective of me after my untimely and ultimately suspicious demise, I want that scene at the top of the clip reel while the Scorpions’ hard rock classic “Rock you like a Hurricane” plays.

Now that Mrs. Mitch is working full time we had to enroll Little Mitch in that kid prison known as daycare. He seems to enjoy it. In fact he was already telling me that he likes it because of all the girls. “Daddy, there’s lots of pretty girls in daycare. The boys stay at the water centre but I go play Barbies with the girls, because that’s where the girls sausage-on-grill-for-web1are.” At the age of four and half my spawn has figured out that to have any success with the birds a hip cat must separate oneself from the mini-sausage convention and go where the bird seed is. It took me until well after high school to figure that out.      

A coworker asked me the other day how we decided on naming Little Mitch. I gave him the story of how we named him after a John Wayne character from a western I liked. Then it got me thinking. When Mrs., Mitch and I were debating possible names for the fruit of my loins I noticed that a great deal of boy names were derived from another language and meant “great warrior” or “strong warrior” or some variation thereof. 

This got me thinking. Why are these names always meaning “strong” or “great” warrior? Why aren’t there names for “competent warrior,” “average warrior,” “mediocre warrior” or “adequate warrior?” At some point in ancient times when “warrior” was an actual viable profession, there had to have been some warriors who were decent enough to not get themselves killed but not exemplary enough with their fighting skills to gain any sort of professional recognition. Paycheque warriors, the nine to fivers of the warrior profession, the steady eddies of the armed combatant industry if you will. 

I think if I was a warrior, I’d be a solid albeit not extraordinary warrior, the kind of soldier a superior officer can depend on.

General: “Maximus, come. Tell me what you think of Mitch. I’m thinking of promoting him to my main squadron.”

Maximus: “You know, he’s a solid warrior Sir. Good with a sword, decent aim with a spear, can hold his own in unarmed combat. A little slow footed but he compensates with a good rapport with the other men Sir. The guy shows up for work every day, he’s reliable. I can’t complain.”

General: “I have noticed that. His pillaging is one of his strengths in his skill set. His plundering is solid, not the best plundering I’ve seen but certainly not the worst.”

Maximus: “He’s a stand up guy, he helped me move last weekend. when I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me with a Spartan last summer, he took me to Rome got me drunk, and paid for the whores. I think some of them may have been dudes, I’m not sure, and I was really shit faced. But hey, a real stand up fella, a real stand up fella General.”

No need to thank me, I’m an idea man. It’s what I do.

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Mitch’s One Line Review of Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

“The premise is a bipolar dude whose marriage falls apart after infidelity attempts to rebuild his life all the while trying to manage his mental illness…as a bipolar dude whose marriage fell apart after infidelity attempting to rebuild his life all the while trying to manage his mental illness, this film really spoke to me for some reason.”

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 228.

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I’m going swimming tonight at the community swimming pool, and one thing I’ve learned is keep your eyes focused at all times on the floor lest ye eyes be assaulted with the horrific visual known as O.G.B…. “Old Guy Balls”.

Seriously, I  will never understand why middle aged dudes spend so much more time “nekkid” in the change-room than the rest of us. I get changed, I go. They’ll put a leg up on the bench and chat with their fellow buck ass middle aged “nekkid” buddy for 15 minutes about old guy topics like real estate, golf, and prostrate health. You know, just two hetero old dudes, shooting the breeze, beans and weiners just hanging out, letting the testes gets some fresh air and light.

My theories are that once males reach the age of 50+ they:

A. Stop caring and just let it all hang out.

B. They get so comfortable with their body they assume the rest of will be too.

C. They prefer to air dry.

D. All of the above.

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Mitch’s One Line Review Of Die Hard (1988)

“It doesn’t really feel like Christmas until I watch Die Hard.”

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Mitch Year In Review A.K.A Crap I Learned 2012 Edition

Greetings faithful readers, it’s that time of year where every website, magazine, news show etcetera does a year in review list where they go back and reflect upon the past year. Mitch Being Honest is no different. Without further delay or fanfare, I give you:

The Mitch Being Honest 2012 Crap I’ve Learned About Relationships In No Particular Order Year In Review. 

  • Breaking up with someone you’re crazy about hurts as much as getting broken up with. Thankfully, the brothers of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels will be there for you.
  • The novelty of post divorce dating wears off much quicker than anticipated.
  • The age difference between a 34 year old man and a 38 year old woman involved with one another, is 4 years to the man, 8-10 years for the woman.
  • My newly instituted “no female friendships” rule while seen as a controversial stance by some has made my life much more drama free.
  • The old saying “sex changes everything” has never rung so true before.

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  • A good case of smoking induced bronchitis has finally broken my habit of resuming smoking whilst recovering from breakups.
  • If a relationship is starting to feel toxic, it’s because it is. And not in the good slutty Britney Spears way.

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  • Getting your first honest to God real blow-job at the age of 34 isn’t as awesome as you think it was going to be when you weren’t getting them. Don’t get me wrong it was still pretty damn good.
  • During good times, bad times, sad times, hurting times, angry times, lonely times, okay times, confused times, all times in between, Springsteen’s music will always be there for you.
  • If you need to hurt during a breakup, hurt. Holding it in just drags out the hurt. Just like flatulence.
  • Your best friend, will remind you why he’s your “hetero life partner in a totally non gay way” when he says “I know you were hurting for a long time after that one* (*breakup). Things will get better someday. I love you, man.”
  • When you start masturbating out of boredom, you are definitely in a rut. But I still count it as part of my cardio exercise regimen.

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  • In baseball and dating a batting average of .300 means solid steady production getting hits. But it also means you’re striking out 70% of the time.
  • Thinking with my genitals did get me laid but it also taught me an important life lesson. I may sometimes think with my wang but ladies think with their feelings after they let you play with their lady parts. Which consequently, is the same time when most of my 2012 relationships began to circle the drain.
  • Those little nagging doubts you choose to ignore in the beginning of the relationship, were nagging you for a very good reason.
  • It’s not just the exes fault, you made the choice to go out with them and brought your own crap to the table.
  • Don’t start/end any relationships on any major holidays. After you breakup you will just be annually reminded the exact day you started/ended that relationship.

I’m sure there is more I learned but I feel this hits the main points. Now that I’ve reflected upon the past year where do I go with this for the new year? 2012 was supposed to be the year I find my “Erica” (My TV dream woman from the show Being Erica whom I am in lust/love with). I assumed I was going to go out on some great dates, hit my groove in the dating game, date 4-5 ladies, then eventually find myself the hot, sexy, intelligent brunette woman I’ve been looking for who would become my girlfriend with some long term relationship potential. How hard could it be? I honestly, truly thought that’s how it would go.

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Reality was a lot different than naive expectation. I did date a few women and seeing as I’m single again its obvious that things didn’t work out. The dating game was ebb and flow, feast and famine, floods and dry spells. I went on good, mediocre and bad dates.

When I was griping about this to Decimawho, she responded with what did I honestly expect? She said the first year out of a major relationship is a year of learning and gaining experience in new relationships, and that’s what 2012 became.

For 2013 I am going to tweak my expectations. In fact, I won’t use the word “expectations.” Here are my INTENTIONS for 2013.

  • Create new healthy relationships.
  • No sex with any new partners too early in the relationship, not until we have a solid foundation built.
  • Trust that when it comes to meeting someone sometimes timing, serendipity, and circumstance are things I cannot control and just lets things happen as they are intended to.

And most importantly,

  • Go do other things, there’s more to life than dating.
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Mitch’s One Line Review of Commando (1985)

“John, I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes. I’m going to shoot you between the balls!” 

“Really? You’re telling me that is the best possible line of dialogue that came out of the writers room that day? Really? Yikes.”

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Mitch’s One Line Review of Die Hard 2 (1990)

“I like to watch Die Hard 2 before I watch Die Hard to remind myself how truly perfect an action masterpiece Die Hard is in comparison to the train-wreck mess that is Die Hard 2”

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