Nipple Twist of Winter (Originally Published February 26, 2011)

Greetings faithful readers. Yet again I must apologize for the lack of blogisodes this month. Mitch came down 397515886_61f2a7f9dbwith a wicked case of the winter blues and hence writers block. Mainly this involves a general feeling of lethargy with a side of restless boredom or the exact same symptoms I get at Little Mitch’s parent teacher interviews. 

Kindergarten Teacher: “We’re a little concerned about Little Mitch’s lack of focus during activities he’s not interested in. Do you have any insight where this might come from Mr. Mitch?”

 Mitch: “I have no clue….got anymore of the cookies I saw earlier? Who was that hot mom who was in before us? Is that an IPAD? If we leave now I can still catch the last half of Monday Night Football. I want a burrito. What were we talking about?” 

The worst part about winter is not the frigid temperatures, the snow, the wind chill, the bulky clothing or anything of the sort. It’s the fact that the winter weather is all people can seem to talk about. The next person who says “cold enough for you?” to me will get an Official Mitch Being Honest nipple twist. “Hey Mitch, what a day out there huh? Cold enough for you? What the hell are you doing to my nipple!?!?” This is a foolproof solution to kill this stupid question once and for all. Unless the nipple twistee either gets offended and charges you with assault or gets really turned on and gives you their phone number. It’s such a fine line between getting charged and getting laid.

nipple-pull

I used to like winter. You’re talking to a guy who goes for a walk in minus 25; cold doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t mind snow, I don’t mind wind, I just don’t feel cold. Yet this winter I think I finally hit my limit with winter’s shenanigans. I can’t even put my finger on why the change in my attitude towards winter. I think I’ve reached the mid thirties attitude shift.

When you start to reach your mid thirties your attitude starts to shift to one of “I’m too old for this crap and I’m fine with that.” I first started noticing it while watching Saturday Night Live this past season. It occurred to me that I did not recognize a single one of the musical guests that entire season, and I was completely fine with that. I’ve reached the point in my musical growth where I’ve stopped trying to find new music. As I’m sure you’re all aware Mitch is a die-hard fanatical Bruce Springsteen devotee. I just came to the conclusion that why waste my time with some new pop star who’s maybe going to put out 2-3 mediocre albums of 2 decent songs and 8 filler songs before they quit music for a film career when I could just devote myself musically to Springsteen and his 30 years plus catalog of music? Theres a damn good reason that man is called “The Boss” and I’m fine with that. 

I’ve even noticed the attitude shift when talking to my single friends. Here’s an official Mitch Being Honest public service announcement for single people: quit turning simple non issues into an issue, you singletons make crap unnecessarily complicated. This occurred to me the other day talking to a single friend of mine as she explained her issues with a guy she’s not even technically “seeing.” Maybe its because I’m just too damn practical, maybe it’s because I’m rather distanced from my feelings and approach things logically, maybe it’s because I’ve been with Mrs. Mitch for 16 years and I’m incapable of relationship bullshit anymore, who knows it could be a mix of all the reasons. But here’s a prime example why Mitch should not give dating advice. 

Friend: “So we’ve been kind of seeing each other now for a while. Well not really, we’re sort of seeing each other. Well its just been email and texting back and forth and we met for coffee a couple of times. What do you think that means?”

Mitch: “You like…coffee and instant digital communication?”

Friend: “No, do you think he likes me?”

Mitch: “He likes you enough to go for coffee so that’s a good sign. I guess.”

Friend: “Okay, well how do I know if he likes me?

Mitch: “Did you kiss him yet?”

Friend: “No, but I could tell we both really wanted to.”

Mitch: “Okay, how many dates has it been now?”

Friend: “Six.”

Mitch: “Six! Jesus Christ! That many?!? What are you amish!?!? Okay I’m figuring that he likes you and is afraid to make a move because he’s afraid from past experiences or you haven’t been sending out clear enough signals and now that it’s been six dates and nothing’s happened he’s confused as to what you want and doesn’t know what to do.”

Friend: “Okay how do I send him a clear signal that conveys how much I like him?”

Mitch: “Give him a hand-job.”

Now that I actually see this exchange in writing, I’m going to stop giving relationship advice. People such as myself who don’t possess a filter, sensitivity and have razor thin empathy are bad counsel for relationship advice. Then again, I’m also thinking “What better way to show him you care, than by tossing him a handy” would make a great Hallmark cards campaign. 

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No need to thank me, I’m an idea man, it’s what I do. 

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3 thoughts on “Nipple Twist of Winter (Originally Published February 26, 2011)

  1. Rose Chimera says:

    Hey you’re not the only one that doesn’t look for “new” music. What for? The Boss is the boss because he is the boss! lol

    That comment, “What are you amish!?!?” made me literally lol!

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