Monthly Archives: January 2013

I Have My Days (Originally Published July 10, 2011)

DISCLAIMER: I’ve been debating for a few weeks now if I was going to repost these “Mitch Classic” blogisodes from when my marriage ended. I went back and forth between “I don’t want to repost them and relive that experience” to “I should post them to show how far I’ve come since then.” I concluded that Mitch Being Honest is about being honest, and being true to myself and to not post them would be contradictory to my blog premise.

To say it’s been a hectic few weeks in Mitch’s life is an understatement of monumental proportions. Last weekend we moved Mrs. Mitch out and into her own place. Strange, what do I call her now on the blog? She’s keeping my last name for now, so technically she’s still Mrs. Mitch, but calling her that doesn’t feel right. Here’s a few possible blog pseudonyms for Mrs. Mitch:

-The Spouse Formerly Known as Mrs. Mitch, TSFKAMM? No, too long and doesn’t have good word Feng Shui.

-Little Mitch’s Mom. Not bad, not great, but doesn’t convey that we had a 16 year relationship.

-My Ex-Wife. Yuck. I really do not like this term at all. It has such a bad connotation, and really we’re still friends. I don’t want to be one of those divorced people who 8 years after the divorce are still bitterly angry and start every sentence with “Oh yeah, when I was with my Ex she…..” 

-Little Mitch’s Co-Parent. Technically, this is the most accurate term for her now. We will be sharing co-parenting of Little Mitch. However, this term feels rather clinical, lacks warmth, and is so politically correct it makes me want to vomit in my soy non dairy organic free trade chai latte. Okay, I admit I’ve never actually had a coffee like that, it was the most politically correct coffee I could think of. 

I got it. Take out the “Mrs.” and use “Ms.” That works. “Ms. Mitch.” I like it, simple, clean, no negative connotations, and not overly politically correct. Done. Next order of business.

The question I field most often from people about my upcoming divorce is “how are you doing?” complete with the empathetic 45 degree sideways head tilt. Admit it. Right now you’re thinking, “son of a bitch, he’s right. I totally do that when I’m asking a concerned question.” 

dog-head-tilt

How I answer depends on my day. I have my good days, bad days, emotionally tired days, numb days, angry days, sad days, not feeling anything days, want to stress eat everything in the house days, enjoying my new found freedom days, keeping busy with little projects around the house days, stress smoking too much again days, missing physical intimacy days, wasting too much time on the internet because I just don’t have it in me to grieve days, avoiding thinking of the hurt by redecorating our old place to make it my place days, keeping busy hanging out with friends days, keeping my mind occupied watching movies I been meaning to watch for a while days, wanting to cry but I can’t days, not wanting to cry days but I can’t, should probably stop having so many Jim Beam nightcaps before bed days. 

Usually though, I just answer that “I’m surviving, I’m doing okay.” with a weak smirk. 

A year or so ago we got Little Mitch tested by a couple of child psychologists, turns out my kid who bends over naked, spreads his cheeks and makes his tan brown ass laugh heartily is “gifted.” Now, I know you’re thinking this means some sort of prodigy or wunderkind product of my loins. Not really, the soft sell is some kids ask five questions about dogs smelling other dogs butts, Little Mitch asks twenty five. Sometimes this rampant curiosity is a lot of fun, like when we’re at the children’s library, museum, or science centre. 

Superman_on_toilet_by_DiorgoOther times this unbridled curiosity can be a bit much if unchecked. “Dude, look I’m pretty sure The Incredible Hulk’s penis and testicles are green along with the rest of his body, now please stop asking me questions about superheroes genitals. What? Huh? I don’t know if Superman’s poop is bullet-proof like the rest of him that question is kind of… now that you mention it, that is a darn good question. Let Daddy look that one up on the internet.”

The days I struggle with the most are the “tough questions days.” The other caveat of having a gifted inquisitive child is that they ask questions that cut right to heart of the matter. The thing is, Little Mitch inherited his daddy’s tenacity and you have to answer or he won’t drop it, you can’t distract him, evade the question, or shift his focus, it doesn’t work. He’s like a four and a half year old question Terminator. You just have to answer and be honest with him.

Little Mitch: “Daddy? When are you Mommy going to get married again?”

Mitch: (taking a deep breath, holding back tears) “Well buddy, Mommy and Daddy are not going to be married anymore. We’re not going to get married again either. We’re still a family, we love you, but it was just Mommy and Daddy were fighting a lot and we decided to not be married anymore.”

Little Mitch: “Oh yeah! I get two homes now! I forgot! (thinking for a few seconds) “Daddy, are you ever going to get married again?”

Mitch: (stunned for a few seconds) “Oh wow, buddy. I wasn’t expecting that question. I don’t know buddy. Maybe. Who knows. I might meet someone someday. But right now, probably not for a very long time.” 

Little Mitch: “Daddy? How come you don’t cry?”

I was taken aback. I had no answer. I wished he was older and could understand that Daddy is too pissed off right now to cry, but I didn’t want him thinking that I was mad at him in anyway about the divorce. 

I have my days. 

incrediblehulk033108-1

 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 232

Little Mitch (Age 6): “Dad? Will you teach me how to be sucessful with women?”

Mitch: “What??? Where did you learn that?” (chuckling).

Litte Mitch: “At mom’s house on TV. She’s got that thing where you get all the channels, not like our house all we got is Netflix”

Mitch: “Cable. Mom’s got cable TV. Ahh, so you learned that from TV.”

Little Mitch: “Yeah! Cable! So… will you teach me to be successful with women Dad?”

Mitch: “Here’s all you need to know bud. Just be yourself and you’ll be fine.”

like_father_like_son

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 231

“Mitch’s Mom Acceptable Behaviour Dating Principle”

A self created principle of dating  to keep myself on the morally honest path where if I find myself in a dating situation where I am about to do something ethically questionable or insensitive that affects my latest dating prospect, I stop before I act, think and ask myself, “If Mom was single would I want someone treating her this way?”

thinking-gorilla-1

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

How Did We Get Here? (Originally Published June 23 2011)

DISCLAIMER: I’ve been debating for a few weeks now if I was going to repost these “Mitch Classic” blogisodes from when my marriage ended. I went back and forth between “I don’t want to repost them and relive that experience” to “I should post them to show how far I’ve come since then.” I concluded that Mitch Being Honest is about being honest, and being true to myself and to not post them would be contradictory to my blog premise.

Divorce-Planning_services-2

It’s a strange feeling waking up one morning and realizing your marriage is finished. 

Yesterday morning I woke up and was still married, by that evening when I went to bed my marriage was over. 

I’m sure many of my readers noticed that blogisodes were coming few and far between as of late. I kind of hinted in blogisodes that there was a lot going on in my personal life and now dear reader, you know why. I’m not going to turn this blogisode into a bitch session of the messy specific details of why we’re divorcing, as the details don’t matter. As most people know when a relationship is ending, it’s not one reason but a myriad of reasons. 

I apologize if todays blogisode is rambling and all over the place, I’m utilizing the advice an English professor gave me in my university days. She said, “when you are feeling, just write, don’t think, just feel and write.”

As I sit at my kitchen table looking out the window on the orange morning sun hitting the trees my thoughts are grieving the life we had. We were together 16 years…16 years, that’s half my life. 

Yesterday I was married, today I am not. 

At this point I’m not sad about the marriage ending, could be the shock, reality will probably sink in a few weeks from now, but right now in a surreal way I feel… relief. I think deep down I knew this thing was done a while ago. The cracks in the foundation became chasms. 

I worry for my 5 year old son. When I got married I promised myself that my son would not be a child of 104370352_divorce_282607cdivorce. I’m so sorry little man, we tried, I tried, I tried so hard to make it work, we really did, we did everything we could. I am so sorry for how this is going to change your life. I grew up as a child of divorce and so did your mommy. I promise you though, I promise with every fibre of my being that I will never slander your mother in front of you. She’s your mother and I still love and respect her even though we are moving to a new stage of our lives. We will still have a family, there will still be love, things will just be different from now on. Just know that you have been and will always be proof of the deep love mommy and daddy had. 

I admit I’m numb right now. It will be a while before the full emotional scale of things hits me. Today, was a painful sad day but there was hope, relief and we even managed to have a few laughs. I’m not angry, I feel anger over the situation but mostly I’m grieving the loss of what we had. 

I don’t know what the future holds. For the first time in my adult life, I will be single. I need to find out who I am outside of a failing marriage. I’m scared of the upcoming changes, and the uncertainty. But much like a marriage, this will be a journey.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Getting Our Mitchitude Back (Originally Published June 2 2011)

Greeting faithful readers! After a lengthy absence Mitch is back and ready to fulfill all your “Mitch Being Honest” related needs. You see, the catch-22 of a having a blog that is based on your life observations and experiences is that when your poop hits the proverbial life fan, you don’t really have the time, energy or inclination to write, let alone come up with anything funny. I tried to toss some comedic crumbs your way on the Facebook page and I hope that tided you over until I got it together enough to come up with a new blogisode. 

Monica-Chandler-monica-and-chandler-2956650-518-779I’ve been mulling it over for a while and seeing as Mitch Being Honest has officially passed the one year mark, I’ve decided on a format change. Nothing spectacular or earth shattering, I’m not going to do what sitcoms do when ratings are sagging and introduce a wacky philandering long lost ladies man uncle character, or start getting all after school special message preachy about a topical ethical dilemma subject like alcoholism, drugs, bulimia, or erectile dysfunction on a “very special” Mitch Being Honest or start pairing off lead characters romantically that you would have never logically expected to be a couple. That’s right Chandler and Monica I’m looking at you. 

Original point? I’m going to shorten up the length of each blogisode in order to try to get back to regular posting. When the blog first started I aimed for about 1000 words a week. I admit it’s getting harder to reach that goal as of late. So from this point forward, blogisode length will be in the 500-750 word range. Enough housecleaning, let’s get our “Mitchitude” back.

Mitch’s Tips to Amuse Yourself at a Party That Has Lost Momentum. 

1. -Randomly use the phrase “I’m not really in a (BLANK) place in my life right now” in conversations. The trick though is to use this phrase for mundane everyday tasks or events and be deadly honest:

-“I’m not really in a wearing pants place in my life right now.”

-“I’m not really in a not hitting on your smoking hot wife place in my life right now.”

-“I’m not really in a listening to your disturbing yet mundane stories about your prostrate issues place in my life right now.”

-“I’m not really in a not masturbating place in my life right now.” 

-”I’m not really in a putting up with your overbearing girlfriend’s crap place in my life right now.” 

-“I’m not really in a cheese on my hot dog place in my life right now.”

I could go on with this gag for days, or “I’m not really in a not going on with this joke endlessly place in my life right now”, wait, does that make sense grammatically? 

2. -When conversation is starting to run its course start responding to people with hair metal lyrics.

“So, the doctor said that the kid’s rash would clear up in a couple days with the cream.”

“He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood, he’s the one that makes you feel all right.”

“Hey did you happen to run into Uncle Randall last week? He thought he saw you at the Farmers Market.”

“I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all” 

“I’m a little worried about my boyfriend, he told me he would take it easy tonight. But he’s getting into the shooters.” 

“Tequila in his heartbeat, his veins burned gasoline. It kept his motor runnin’ but it never kept him clean.” 

“I hear your thinking about a career change. How’s it going”

“I don’t know where I’m going. But I sure know where I been.” 

motleycrue05

3. -Hit on someone at the party using the phrase “There’s so much emotional larceny in this place”. I heard the term “emotional larceny” in a movie once, and just one time before I die I would kill to make this line work. Bonus points if you use it on a parent at a kid’s birthday party. Now that I think about it this line is also great for funerals, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, weddings, family reunions, and interventions. 

Let me know how these work out for you, at your next party.

No need to thank me, I’m an idea man it’s what I do.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Mitch’s One Line Review of Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid (1969)

“There’s always those classic movies that grace ‘Top 100’ lists” or ‘Must See Lists.’ Then you finally see it and go ‘That’s it? What’s the big deal about THIS?'”

1969

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 230

When filling out forms and they ask for an emergency contact I like to write, “911, DUH.”

 

1346192425548_ORIGINAL

Tagged , , , ,

Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 229

So let me get this straight…

-We go out on a date.

-At end of said date, you give me your phone number.

-10 days later, I’ve asked you out four separate times.

-Each time I asked you either non answered or waffled a non-answer-answer.

-Day 11 you’re blindsided that I say “I’m getting the vibe you are not that interested, and I’m not really looking for a text buddy. Let’s just be honest with each other and call it a game. No hard feelings.”

-You then go on the defensive, attempting to  justify stringing me along for a week and a half whilst trying to convey a sense that I have offended and slighted you.

Thank you for reaffirming that I made the right decision.

Regards,

Mitch.

umpire1

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

A word of dating advice, ladies.

Greetings faithful readers! Normally I don’t post new blogisodes back to back like this, mainly due to my writing process, but I need to get something off my chest. As I mentioned in my last blogisode I’m giving the dating world another try. There is something that is irking me and being the socially conscious sort of fellow I am (not true at all, I am the farthest thing from socially conscious, but bear with me) I have a bit of advice for the ladies I encounter in the dating world.

4415470.ashxSo ladies, you’ve gone online, found a dating website, created a profile, listed your likes/dislikes/needs/wants and your interests like long walks on the beach, margaritas at moonlight, and camping. Why does every woman list “camping” as an interest? I asked my friend Allison this. Her take on it was, “Honestly. I’d say maybe 50% -60% of women actually like camping, the rest are just listing they like camping because they think it makes them come off as easy going and not prissy, based on their assumption that all dudes like camping.” I responded with “My ex-girlfriend suggested camping once. I responded with ‘Why? Wait…are you mad at me and punishing me with camping in the dirty germ infested outdoors?’”

You’ve got your online dating profile drafted up. You’ve chosen five to ten pictures of yourself to post with your profile. The usual picture trope cliches are the four to five days of the year you look your most amazing: one of you travelling looking amazing, the one of you as a bridesmaid 4 years ago looking amazing, the one of you at your Christmas party looking amazing, the one of you with your girlfriends at a club looking amazing. Notice a trend? This is probably why when I actually meet my online prospect for a first date I get the feeling that I was sold a Lexus but a Toyota Corolla showed up.

online-dating-profile-pic2

You’re ready to take the plunge and dive into the world of online dating….

Wait.

Are you ready? You forgot to ask yourself one important question. You forgot to ask yourself, “Do I have actual time to date?”

I’ve encountered this issue on numerous occasions. I meet a lovely lady, go on a few dates, we’d like to see each other more…then cooltext her schedule monster rears its head. Fast forward two weeks later, we haven’t seen each other at all, our faint whiff of a growing “relationship” consists of texting, mainly her more than me, I lose interest very quickly in a lady when we’re texting only, with the faint wisp of a future promise that we’ll get together just as soon as her yoga class/work project/book club/kid’s pyromania/parents visiting from out of town/her school, etcetera settles down. We’ll get together soon she says “I…promise” Mitch’s advice? Anyone who has to say “I…promise” isn’t truly authentic, just assume they won’t deliver on that empty promise. Truly authentic people deliver, they don’t have to promise.

Congratulations fellas, if you found yourself in a situation like this you just collected yourself a time vampire. They will suck up bits of your time with the faint future hint that you “may” get together someday that never truly materializes. Before we get further into this premise, let me just say that I do realize that she may not be that into me. Fine, but for the sake of this rant let’s assume she is into me and scheduling is an issue.

blog-schedulingYou have to ask yourself “Do I have some space in my life to try on new people to see how they fit in my life?” If you’re working full time, going to school part time, have limited child care options and you just signed up for a belly dancing class twice a week, maybe fitting dating into your life isn’t in the cards for you right now? Something to consider.

Ladies, I do realize that you are entitled like the rest of us to find love and cultivate relationships. All I’m saying is make sure that you have time in your life schedule to fit it in. Dating takes time, it takes time to create relationships and to get to know someone. You need some availability, I’m not saying that if I ask you out Thursday I expect you to go out Friday. I understand we all have lives, jobs, hobbies etc. However when I ask you out it shouldn’t be as difficult as trying to do my taxes with pen, paper and an abacus to schedule a dinner date with you. Nor do I want to go out with you four weeks later when your schedule finally opens up for date number two, because by that point I’ve forgotten 90% of what you told me about yourself on date one. And…NO. Texting does not count as dating. I want a girlfriend eventually, not a digital pen pal.

I will concede that sometime people are busy, it happens. My point however is that if you are going to navigate the dating waters you need to make the time to do it. I’m a single father, with 70% custody, I work a full time job, a part time job and I have my own hobbies and interests. Yet I am never so busy that if I like someone, truly like them, I can’t make time for them in my life. It’s that simple for me. If I like you I will want to spend time with you, and make space in my life schedule to do so. It’s that simple for me and it should be that simple.

For me when I am “seeing someone” I like to ACTUALLY physically “see them,” but that’s just me. I’m kind of picky that way.

CP874G_2326013b

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Back In The Dating Saddle…Again.

Greetings faithful readers. You’ve probably noticed a slow down in my posts as of late. This is pretty typical for me this time of year for a number of reasons:

-November and December are prime allergy and cold and flu season for me, and this year was no different. Mainly I lived on my couch in sweatpants feeling like 6lbs of shit stuffed into a 5lb sac.

-January to February there’s really not a whole lot going on. Plus, being in the middle of a Planet Hoth like winter in the middle of suburban hell, I tend to cocoon in my house with movies and books a little more than usual. When there’s sweet fuck all going in your life, there’s sweet fuck all to write about.

TLC_bp_hothprobe_hanref

-The video game, Red Dead Revolver: Undead Nightmare, I got for Christmas has sucked entirely way too much of my free time. Killing hordes of zombies in the old west is just way too much fun for me to regret the lack of human contact and ensuing carpal tunnel.

-I’m putting actual honest to god effort into online dating.

Yes, that last one is the jumping off point for this blogisode. As you recall, I took a bit of a break from the online dating world after the soul bruising “Sweatpants Date.” Christmas rolled around and I learned one important delayed life lesson. Being single at Christmas sucks. It sucks almost as much as being drunk with your mom on X-mas eve while watching Die Hard as she starts to wax nostalgic after her fifth whisky screwdriver. I never noticed it my first divorced Christmas because I was working on a huge freelance writing gig right up until Christmas eve, and I had Little Mitch most of the time, I had no time to think about being divorced over the holidays.

Not this year though, I had no big projects, and with sharing custody of Little Mitch with his mom more than the year before, I had more time to myself. Then factor in I was so sick I was just at home with nothing to do but think. Too much time to think with nothing to do is never good for me. Plus, being so sick meant I was not exercising. Which, when you are bipolar and manage your moods with daily regular exercise means you got a depression bipolar downswing coming in the mail. Charlie Sheen’s bipolar gets out of whack he gets porn star girlfriends, more fame and a new tv show, I get depressed and mope like a EMO teenage girl on her first period. That’s when the self loathing starts. To sum, I felt like crap, I was loathing myself and my bipolar perceived “relationship failures” of 2012 and I just felt really, really divorced.

r-DIVORCE-COOKIES-large570

Finally, all my cold, flus and infections ran their course. I got well enough to ease into exercise again and my moods stabilized and I was back to my regular Mitchness.

I reflected upon 2012 and why I was so disappointed. I figured 2012 was the year I would date, and end up in a healthy relationship, that simple and straightforward, right? Nope. Didn’t work out that way. Me brooding, blaming and loathing myself isn’t going to change that. What was the common denominator for me in 2012 and the relationships that didn’t pan out? Me. Not only me, but my expectations. I realized a good portion of my after the fact disappointment in myself of how my relationships failed in 2012 was that I had naive, preconceived static expectations about how the dating year would pan out. I concluded I can’t change the people I dated, or how the relationships faltered but I can change my expectations. I concluded that when it comes to relationships and dating nothing is going to change if I don’t change it. It was time to get back in the dating saddle again.

090431081525

I decided that in 2013 I will take the mentality of a closing pitcher in baseball. These guys are known as “closers”, they come in in the last innings of a game, throw strikes and hopefully end the game with a win. “Closers” are known for having short memories if they throw a bad pitch, or the ability to shake off adversity, and move on. That’s the mentality I need to take. No more brooding, blaming or loathing. When it comes to dating, my mentality is that of a closing pitcher, short memory, shake off the losses and one bad pitch is just one bad pitch forget it and move onto the next one.

Seattle+Mariners+v+Oakland+Athletics+49gzolsSzfhl

So far, 2013 is off to a good dating start, with three dates with three different lovely ladies. Dating, like baseball can be a long gruelling up and down season, you just need to shake off the bad pitches and keep going one pitch at a time. Play ball!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,