Ponderances With Mitch 2: Ponder Harder. (Originally Published April 9, 2011)

You wanted the best! You got the best! The hottest advice columnist in the world! Mitch! (I got to stop listening to KISS when I write.) That’s right it’s sequel time. The triumphant return of Mitch trying his hand at being an advice columnist because you demanded it! Well not really, no one demanded it, but I’m writing it anyways. It’s time for “Ponderances with Mitch 2: Ponder Harder.”  

Mitch, I recently began working out and started watching what I eat. I don’t diet per se but I do watch what I eat. Here’s my problem, when I go out to eat at a restaurant it’s extremely difficult to find healthy options I can eat. What do I do?

In the past four months Mitch has hopped back on the workout train. Running four times a week, pushups and abs the other three. The result? A loss of 25 lbs and Mitch is feeling pretty damn good about getting his sexy back and the resulting side effect of the reemergence of the once lost “Mitch Swagger.” Why am I telling you this? Well, for no other reason than to brag about my sexy coffee coloured gluteals and to fish for compliments. Back to the original question, I’m in the same boat, I don’t believe in dieting. My approach to eating when you’re working out operates thus: 

-Eat when you’re hungry. Eat until you’re satisfied; not stuffed. Don’t eat when you’re not hungry.

-Here’s a revolutionary idea; don’t eat crap food. Your mind? Blown. I know! You’re welcome.

-Restaurant rules: If it’s deep fried, battered, covered in cream sauce, slathered with cheese, and features bacon o’ plenty or any combination of the preceding, its’s bad for you, very bad for you. As well be wary of any portion upsize deals that feature the phrases “mega”, “sumo”, “lumberjack”, “galactic”, “colossal”, “long haul trucker”, and “you stopped trying to be physically attractive to any potential sexual mates a long time ago” size. 


On the other hand, sometimes, when you’re going out for dinner with family and or friends is a burger and fries really going to kill you once in a while? No. It’s when you eat that every day is when it’s going to kill you, or the diabetes, whichever comes first. 


-Mitch, every time I work out at the gym, I’m bothered by guys hitting on me or trying to get my attention. Its so old. I just want to workout. What do I do?

-So let me get this straight. You’re upset because the opposite sex finds you attractive? I’m not seeing a problem here. First, would you rather the have the exact opposite problem and be invisible to the opposite sex? I would kill to have your “problem” (and I use the term loosely). I’m Native, six foot two, brown skinned, 245 pounds with a shaved head and piercing black eyes, I scare the bejeezus out of most white women. I can barely make eye contact and a smile with a passing attractive woman without her averting her gaze and clutching her purse tightly (or possibly reaching in for bear spray). Second, if it’s so much of a “problem” aren’t there gyms solely for women? Unless… you’re into native dudes….how you doin? I’m Mitch…


-Mitch, I’m a heterosexual male in my late twenties. The majority of my friends are female and in their early twenties. I have a lot of female friends. Many of them want to sleep with me no strings attached but I want a relationship. This is getting to be a real problem. What do I do?

You ungrateful bastard. 

Well, again I must say “Ponderances with Mitch” was yet another smashing success. as I said last time, I never promised good advice, helpful advice, or useful advice. Just advice.

No need to thank me, I’m an idea man, it’s what I do. 

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