Ponderances With Mitch 3: Ponder Harder With a Vengeance (Originally Published April 15, 2011)

I didn’t really have any ideas for this weeks blogisode. However, one of my faithful readers posted some burning questions (your doctor can probably give you a topical cream for the burning sensation) for “Ponderances with Mitch” and I’m totally psyched that I finally received some interactive feedback on the blog. Without further ado, I give you the next sequel in my advice columnist adventures: “Ponderances with Mitch 3: Ponder Hard With a Vengeance.”

-Why do men when they get sick act like they are dying? Seriously us women, get back up on our feet and get through the day, but you men, almost act like we need to take you to the hospital? 

I’m going to break a Bro Code rule and let you know why we act like we are dying. We’re totally playing it up to drive you and the kids out of the house for a few hours. No other real reason. We just want a couple of quiet sane hours to ourselves. As for acting like you need to take us to the hospital we’re kind of hoping for that too. A few days in a government funded hotel doesn’t sound too bad. Three square meals, a bed to ourselves, attractive nurses and the occasional sponge bath. We’ll bring you and the kids back a souvenir bedpan. 

article-new-getty-xc-87625410

As for women getting back up their feet right away, is that necessarily a good thing? Sure you’re sicker than a mexican street dog but you’re back on your feet, that’s good right? I can speak from personal experience on this topic. No. This is not in any way, shape or form good. Mrs. Mitch likes to overcompensate for how sick she is by taking charge of the household and running things like she’s General MacArthur returning to Bataan. Unfortunately, in her sick state she has the mental capacity of Forrest Gump with a head injury. You can imagine how effective her leadership is. Go lie down, us men folk can run the house for a few days without you, you just need to accept that we do things they way we do them. Even if this means your husband and offspring are having Doritos and candy for dinner. Not that Mitch has ever done that sort of thing.

-Why do men shrink the clothes when doing laundry?

This bulletin just in from The Official Mitch Being Honest Bureau of Pointing Out What You Already Know But Don’t Want To Admit To Yourself…..it ain’t the clothes that are shrinking. Maybe we should have salad for dinner. 

Woman Putting on Tight Jeans

-Why are men are so obsessed with superheroes and action figures? 

They remind us of a simpler time in our childhood. And unless you start punching up your work stories about the girls at the office with some naughty pillow fights and completely juvenile lesbian innuendo, which doesn’t necessarily need to be true, you totally can lie about it, you just need to keep our attention; we’ll settle for superheroes. 

Hero-Envy-Superhero-Capes-Cover

Why do kids nowadays have to text and check their cell phone every 2 minutes? Are you that important? 

I’ll be honest with you, I got nothing for this one. I’m not a kid person, never was, never will be and as long as they’re busy texting and checking their cell phones they’re staying off my lawn. Damn hooligans. 

-Why do they cancel good shows on TV? 

I agree wholeheartedly with you on this one. I have a terrible history of getting into a show that gets cancelled mid season. There’s nothing worse than committing to a few shows at the beginning of the new season and just when you start to get really invested in the characters or storyline the network cancels the shows. Then all the other shows you haven’t been watching are already in the middle of their season so if you start watching them you have no clue what’s going on. Then you’re doubly hooped because you got nothing to watch now. Then at some point you say to yourself, “ I got 200+ channels, in standard and HD, and a PVR, why the hell am I watching a Friends rerun I’ve seen at least 38 times?” (If you’re like me its secretly because you’re hoping they’re airing a lost episode where Monica and Rachel have a “Chained Heat” style cat-fight).

Monica-and-Rachel-monica-and-rachel-31741531-640-480

To sum, I have absolutely no answer as to why networks cancel good shows (I still lament the cancellation of “The Bionic Woman” reboot). My advice? Fake an illness, whine and bitch about said illness to the point that you drive your spouse and kids out of the house for a few hours and order a movie on pay per view and enjoy a couple quiet sane hours to yourself. 

Wow, another extraordinarily successful edition of Ponderances with Mitch. Stay tuned, Ponderances with Mitch will return someday with the next sequel “Ponderances with Mitch 4: Live Free or Ponder Hard.” 

No need to thank me, Im an idea man, it’s what I do.

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2 thoughts on “Ponderances With Mitch 3: Ponder Harder With a Vengeance (Originally Published April 15, 2011)

  1. Mitch Fan says:

    Okay you totally had me laughing about when men are sick and the shrinking clothes, love that Man Cold ad on TV for that reason! This is why I read your blog. If I did not want blunt honesty then I’d read any old crap blog!

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