Greeting faithful readers! After a lengthy absence Mitch is back and ready to fulfill all your “Mitch Being Honest” related needs. You see, the catch-22 of a having a blog that is based on your life observations and experiences is that when your poop hits the proverbial life fan, you don’t really have the time, energy or inclination to write, let alone come up with anything funny. I tried to toss some comedic crumbs your way on the Facebook page and I hope that tided you over until I got it together enough to come up with a new blogisode.
I’ve been mulling it over for a while and seeing as Mitch Being Honest has officially passed the one year mark, I’ve decided on a format change. Nothing spectacular or earth shattering, I’m not going to do what sitcoms do when ratings are sagging and introduce a wacky philandering long lost ladies man uncle character, or start getting all after school special message preachy about a topical ethical dilemma subject like alcoholism, drugs, bulimia, or erectile dysfunction on a “very special” Mitch Being Honest or start pairing off lead characters romantically that you would have never logically expected to be a couple. That’s right Chandler and Monica I’m looking at you.
Original point? I’m going to shorten up the length of each blogisode in order to try to get back to regular posting. When the blog first started I aimed for about 1000 words a week. I admit it’s getting harder to reach that goal as of late. So from this point forward, blogisode length will be in the 500-750 word range. Enough housecleaning, let’s get our “Mitchitude” back.
Mitch’s Tips to Amuse Yourself at a Party That Has Lost Momentum.
1. -Randomly use the phrase “I’m not really in a (BLANK) place in my life right now” in conversations. The trick though is to use this phrase for mundane everyday tasks or events and be deadly honest:
-“I’m not really in a wearing pants place in my life right now.”
-“I’m not really in a not hitting on your smoking hot wife place in my life right now.”
-“I’m not really in a listening to your disturbing yet mundane stories about your prostrate issues place in my life right now.”
-“I’m not really in a not masturbating place in my life right now.”
-”I’m not really in a putting up with your overbearing girlfriend’s crap place in my life right now.”
-“I’m not really in a cheese on my hot dog place in my life right now.”
I could go on with this gag for days, or “I’m not really in a not going on with this joke endlessly place in my life right now”, wait, does that make sense grammatically?
2. -When conversation is starting to run its course start responding to people with hair metal lyrics.
“So, the doctor said that the kid’s rash would clear up in a couple days with the cream.”
“He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood, he’s the one that makes you feel all right.”
“Hey did you happen to run into Uncle Randall last week? He thought he saw you at the Farmers Market.”
“I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all”
“I’m a little worried about my boyfriend, he told me he would take it easy tonight. But he’s getting into the shooters.”
“Tequila in his heartbeat, his veins burned gasoline. It kept his motor runnin’ but it never kept him clean.”
“I hear your thinking about a career change. How’s it going”
“I don’t know where I’m going. But I sure know where I been.”
3. -Hit on someone at the party using the phrase “There’s so much emotional larceny in this place”. I heard the term “emotional larceny” in a movie once, and just one time before I die I would kill to make this line work. Bonus points if you use it on a parent at a kid’s birthday party. Now that I think about it this line is also great for funerals, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, weddings, family reunions, and interventions.
Let me know how these work out for you, at your next party.
No need to thank me, I’m an idea man it’s what I do.