DISCLAIMER: I’ve been debating for a few weeks now if I was going to repost these “Mitch Classic” blogisodes from when my marriage ended. I went back and forth between “I don’t want to repost them and relive that experience” to “I should post them to show how far I’ve come since then.” I concluded that Mitch Being Honest is about being honest, and being true to myself and to not post them would be contradictory to my blog premise.
It’s a strange feeling waking up one morning and realizing your marriage is finished.
Yesterday morning I woke up and was still married, by that evening when I went to bed my marriage was over.
I’m sure many of my readers noticed that blogisodes were coming few and far between as of late. I kind of hinted in blogisodes that there was a lot going on in my personal life and now dear reader, you know why. I’m not going to turn this blogisode into a bitch session of the messy specific details of why we’re divorcing, as the details don’t matter. As most people know when a relationship is ending, it’s not one reason but a myriad of reasons.
I apologize if todays blogisode is rambling and all over the place, I’m utilizing the advice an English professor gave me in my university days. She said, “when you are feeling, just write, don’t think, just feel and write.”
As I sit at my kitchen table looking out the window on the orange morning sun hitting the trees my thoughts are grieving the life we had. We were together 16 years…16 years, that’s half my life.
Yesterday I was married, today I am not.
At this point I’m not sad about the marriage ending, could be the shock, reality will probably sink in a few weeks from now, but right now in a surreal way I feel… relief. I think deep down I knew this thing was done a while ago. The cracks in the foundation became chasms.
I worry for my 5 year old son. When I got married I promised myself that my son would not be a child of divorce. I’m so sorry little man, we tried, I tried, I tried so hard to make it work, we really did, we did everything we could. I am so sorry for how this is going to change your life. I grew up as a child of divorce and so did your mommy. I promise you though, I promise with every fibre of my being that I will never slander your mother in front of you. She’s your mother and I still love and respect her even though we are moving to a new stage of our lives. We will still have a family, there will still be love, things will just be different from now on. Just know that you have been and will always be proof of the deep love mommy and daddy had.
I admit I’m numb right now. It will be a while before the full emotional scale of things hits me. Today, was a painful sad day but there was hope, relief and we even managed to have a few laughs. I’m not angry, I feel anger over the situation but mostly I’m grieving the loss of what we had.
I don’t know what the future holds. For the first time in my adult life, I will be single. I need to find out who I am outside of a failing marriage. I’m scared of the upcoming changes, and the uncertainty. But much like a marriage, this will be a journey.