Monthly Archives: February 2013

Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 240

There comes a time during parenthood when you can no longer keep up the lie to your kid that the much cheaper no name brand cereal is the name brand cereal.

Little Mitch (6 years old): “Wait. (looking at cereal in bowl). Dad? Is this my my regular Lucky Charms? They look different. Where are the moons? There’s no rainbows in here. What did you buy?”

Mitch: “I bought Lucky Charms dude. Don’t worry about it. Eat. ”

Little Mitch: (Running to the kitchen cupboard) “Wait. What’s THIS? This isn’t my regular Lucky Charms Dad. Who’s this dude on the front? Where’s the leprechaun guy? This is a wizard.”

Little Mitch (Sounding out the box) Mar…marsh…marshhhhhh…mall….Marhmallow…mag…ick….Marshmallow magic??? Why didn’t you buy me my Lucky Charms Dad? You know they are my favourite.”

Mitch: “Ok fine they are not Lucky Charms. What’s the rule when Daddy buys cereal? Only the stuff that is on sale right?”

Little Mitch: ” I know Daddy. But I need my Lucky Charms. They are my favourite and magically delicious.”

mm

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The Lady List: Part Two (Originally Published February 23, 2012)

Greetings faithful readers. No time for pleasantries. Let’s get to The Lady List: Part Two. 

“It ought to be easy. Ought to be simple enough. Man meets woman and they fall in love…”

-Bruce Springsteen, Tunnel of Love. 

Bruce-Springsteen-Tunnel-Of-Love-Delantera

As you recall in the last blogisode I made a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a partner and after much reflection all I came up with was:

1. Brunette.

2. Hot. 

3. Not an idiot. 

I’ve had a month to marinate on this topic and how I would follow up Part Two of this blog idea. Frankly, this tawny-kitaentopic has weighed on my mind quite heavily, it’s a quandary I’ve been wrestling with all month, much to the chagrin of my patient friends who put up with my bullshit as I work through concepts in discussion with them. Thank you friends, for your patience. Seriously, you guys rock harder than a Whitesnake video complete with hot chick doing splits on a white corvette as a white tiger saunters by.  

Initially, part of me felt the list needed to be longer, like I was supposed to have some extravagant long list. But the problem was that part of me felt the list was sufficient. What more is there to need? I honestly don’t know what more I need to add to the list. Maybe the ability to kill a Kodiak bear with her bare hands. That would be really a cool skill for a lady to have. Not really a practical skill for a lady to possess as I live in suburban hell, but there is something strangely attractive about a woman who can kill a large mammal with her hands. I think the problem is that the list exercise was not one that was designed for someone as practical as me. 

drphilThis topic weighed heavily on my mind so much that I made an appointment with my therapist. The therapist who looks like a white haired near albino overweight middle aged Big Boy Mascot with the gentle demeanour of a soft teddy bear, possessing the terrifying ability to get Dr. Phil on your ass for your own good. The fear I feel for him in Dr. Phil mode is the same terrifying awe I had of my elementary school principal from grades one through four. As he often does, he asked how my dating life was going. My mouth opened and I went on one of my patented Mitch Being Honest rants.

“Honestly? I’m fucking frustrated with dating dude. I don’t get it. I do not understand it one iota. I feel like I’m in a game where I don’t understand all the unspoken rules. Yet any time I think I figure out a dating rule accepted by the general population I think, ‘this is the stupidest most pointless rule I ever heard.’ 

I don’t understand the terms ‘dating’, ‘seeing someone’, ‘casually seeing each other’, ‘friends’, ‘just friends’, ‘more than friends’, ‘relationship’, ‘kind of sort of not really seeing each other,’ or any other dating term I don’t freaking understand. To me all these terms just seem like one giant hedge bet; just in case the deal shits the bed in the future you use these terms to maintain a level of detachment so you don’t have to fully invest yourself.

Quite frankly, if I like you, I’m going to want to spend time with you. That’s it. It’s that simple for me. I want to spend time with you. Everything else about the “dating game” just seems like a pointless dance to me. I don’t fucking get it.” 

Without missing a beat my therapist responded “Oh. Ok when you told me you wanted help with the dating game I thought you meant teach you some ‘rules.’ Here’s the thing. The ‘Dating Game’ is a game, and you’re right the rules are stupid. I’ll be honest with you. You’re a real straight shooter no bullshit kind of guy. A no BS authentic guy like yourself is going to struggle in the dating game, because it will seem so ridiculous to you. Be patient, you’ll find in your age bracket you will find more women will be appreciative of your ability to be authentic and honest but you are going to have a string of failed relationships before that happens.”

In his long winded way this was my therapists ‘Just Be Yourself” speech. I did find it to be helpful advice. Ever watch a foreign movie with bad subtitling and think, “These subtitles aren’t quite matching up with what is going on in the movie. The naked oiled up hemophiliac mailman is shaving his cat but the subtitles are talking about Pre-Franco-Prussian war politics, masturbation and existentialist angst. Or the subtitles are right and Swedish cinema is weird as balls. ” That’s how I was starting to feel about dating…

In conclusion, I have decided to edit the list and put this topic out to pasture to stud:

NEW AND IMPROVED OFFICIAL LIST OF SUPER GALACTIC MEGA QUALITIES MITCH IS LOOKING FOR IN A LADY:

1. Brunette.

2. Hot. 

3. Not an idiot.

4. Ability to kill a Kodiak bear with her bare hands but the ability to kill any large mammal with her bare hands will suffice. After all, I don’t want to come off as too picky.

Alaska-Bear-Bachman-2011-web

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The Lady List: Part One (Originally Published January 27, 2012)

Greetings faithful readers. Welcome to the first Mitch Being Honest of 2012. Let’s skip the pleasantries and get to all things Mitch.

cd86ee5e-882c-479b-8e3a-d364003ba2d8Recently, a lovely brunette friend gave me one of those year end lists that newspapers love to print in their lifestyle section in the last two weeks of the year when they run out of real news to report like “Cranky old out of touch bastard is pissed about tax hikes” or “local pro sports team which has sucked harsh for years, still sucks, but our rabid fans still have hope, to the point of naive embarrassment.”

I think this article she cut out for me was called “Dating Resolutions For The New Year.” I admit, initially this article was immediately filed directly in my recycle box. To clarify, she wasn’t dropping any hints about Mitch’s game. If anything she’s just the kind of caring thoughtful person who will cut out an article or recipe and make a point of getting it to you. A rare brand of  kind thoughtfulness these days. 

The next day, curiosity got the better of me and I fished the article out of my recycle box at my office desk amongst the unread work memos, unread staff memos, unread corporate memos, unread Little Mitch’s school memos and pretty much anything else resembling a memo. It’s amazing how little information you really miss when you stop reading memos. The trick is when someone asks you if you “read that memo” just say “Yeah. Yeah, I did” and be sure to stop just short of explaining anything remotely resembling actually reading it. 50% of the time they take your word that you read it and the other 50% of the time they have such little regard for your opinion in the corporate machine they won’t ask what you thought of the memo anyways, which means your ass is 100% covered. 

The “Dating Resolutions For The New Year” article had one resolution that caught my interest, it suggested NINEWrestlemania-4-Macho-Man-Randy-Savage_2069674_display_imagethat you make a list of the traits and qualities you are looking for in a prospective partner. Well, now we’re talking!  If there is anything Mitch loves, it’s making a good list. How should I organize the list? By descending order of importance? By ascending order of trait usefulness? Alphabetical order  of qualities?  Hold a 16 lady elimination tournament and crown a winner similar to when Randy “Macho Man” Savage won a tournament to win the championship belt at Wrestlemania IV? After two lukewarm mugs of the warm brown lie my work likes to call “coffee,” and I am being pretty freaking generous with that term, I steeled my nerves with the focus of a man with a mission. I bet this is exactly how Rocky felt seconds before the bell rang for that final epic battle against the giant Russian Ivan Drago. You could cut the electricity with a knife. 

rocky4

Twenty minutes later I was stumped. Staring at a nearly blank page. In the scrawl that hasn’t really improved since grade two, I only scratched out 3 points. “How hard could this be?” I asked myself. I’m divorced in my mid thirties, I’ve got another chance. I’m still young. The world is literally my oyster to find the right lady this time around. To quote my cousin Mandy, “You get to have the all the fun you never had in your twenties but with the wisdom of your thirties to know better and the life experience to not put up with any bullshit.” (Advice like this is why she was my Best Woman at my wedding). Three points.

Thats it?

Three. Fucking. Points. 

The Official List of Super Galactic Mega Qualities Mitch Is Looking For In a Lady. (I figured I better up-sell the shit out of the title as the list itself was a colossal washout).

1. Brunette.

2. Hot.

3. Not an idiot. 

To be continued…

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 239

A photographic representation of what it felt like being stuck for a week with a loaner entry level talk and text only cellphone while I waited for my smartphone to be repaired.
Maltese 3 Phone

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Mitch’s One Line Review of A Good Day To Die Hard (2013)

“I…I…I..uhhh…well…I…uhh…honestly could not tell you what the hell this movie was about.”

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 238

“Ah, yes… here we go… ‘Be contacted by Satanist on online dating site‘… check that off as DONE on the Ol’ Mitch Bucket List. Sigh…”

Satan

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 237

THE NINJA SMOKE BOMB MANEUVER:

A technique employed in online dating when someone has accepted your date request but disappears suddenly when it comes to actually scheduling the date. Never to be heard from again.

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 236

Little Mitch told me he wants to make a Valentine’s day card for his 15 year old lady-friend in his Taekwondo class.

My six year old has more going on in his romantic life than I do…

facepalm_Facepalm_collection-s500x400-82171-580

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I’d Like To Thank The Academy…

I’ve been called a lot of things in my day, “asshole” being usually the most prominent, often employed as a verb, noun, pronoun, adjective, adverb, interjection, conjunction and prepositions and sometimes combinations of the preceding. “You assholing asshole of an asshole’s asshole you’re an asshole!”

This however, is a first. I’ve never been called “inspiring” before. I have to say I was a bit taken aback to be nominated for “The Very Inspiring Blogger Award” by How To Date In Las Vegas. Love your city by the way, been there five times.  My failed marriage started there or more accurately the downpayment on my impending divorce nine years later started at the wedding chapel in Bally’s. Anyways, enough of my masturbatory faux “aww shucks” bashfulness, let’s get to the requirements to accept my accolades.

very-inspiring-blogger-award1

The rules of the award:

  1. Display the award logo on your blog.

  2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

  3. State 7 things about yourself.

  4. Nominate 15 bloggers for this award.

  5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination by linking to one of their specific posts so that they get notified by ping back.

7 Things About Mitch That Will Both Amuse and Terrify You.

-Due to a family New Year’s Eve prank during childhood that went terribly awry I have an irrational fear of lobsters.

-One of my obsessive compulsive quirks is that I cannot sit at circular tables. My OCD brain likes right angles. You can imagine the quandary sitting at a circular table would cause to my meal.

-I consider myself a cereal aficionado.

-I have a Spongebob wallet that I use as a dating litmus test. I wouldn’t want to date a woman who has an issue with me having a Spongebob wallet. It separates the wheat from the chaff so to speak.

-Mitch really likes referring to himself in the third person.

-I once had to have a “feelings meeting” at work, to make me more aware of other peoples emotions and to be more empathetic to their feelings. Seven years later still struggling with this one.

-I live my life by an arbitrary flexible hero code of rules, but make sure to have enough if, ands, or buts and loopholes to get out of said rule if it benefits me.

The Nominations

Ok next step is to nominate 15 bloggers for this award. 15? Holy shit! 15? Really? How am I supposed to find time to read 15 other blogs if I got my own blog to write? Can I just nominate 5 bloggers but make their nominations worth triple points? Like sex and drum solos, I believe in quality over quantity. I’m going to bend the rules a wee bit. I’m only nominating 5 Blogs but giving 3 three reasons why I like each blog, that’ll count for 15.

Decimawho– Reason 1. Mojave desert dry British wit. Reason 2. I envy her prolific writing output while still maintaing her poetic prose. Reason 3. I have learned so much about Lyme disease from her blog a topic I never would have learned about on my own.

Another Single Woman’s Blog. Reason 1. It’s nice to read about someone who’s out there in the dating trenches like me. 2. It’s nice to get a female perspective about life out there in the dating trenches. Reason 3. You know when they say that people who have gone through and survived traumatic events like plane crashes or natural disasters now share a bond? I feel the same way after reading about her dating mishaps and comparing them to my own.

Today I Watched A Movie. Reason 1. Clear, succinct, organized, well written movie reviews. Reason 2. Clear, succinct, organized, well written movie reviews. Reason 3. Clear, succinct, organized, well written movie reviews.

The Jiggly Bits. Reason 1. How can you not love the title of this blog? 2. Any blog that has a post called “The only Penis That Turns Me On” is totally worthy of my attention. 3. See reasons 1 and 2. 

Wonderbread is Dead. Reason 1. Nepotism. He’s my Nephew. 2. His love of wrasslin’ is equal to my own. 3. I’m super psyched that he’s going to school for film like his uncle did. 

Once again, it’s an honour just to be nominated. “Yo Adrian, I did it!” (cue man-tears)

rocky-ii-560

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 235

I’ve decided to boost my career by starring in my own celebrity sex tape. Only two minor hurdles… I am not a celebrity… nor am I currently having sex with anyone… damn it.

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