We need to talk. It’s just not working out between us. Sure, we had some good times, bad times and times in between. I just feel like we’ve been moving in separate directions this past year. I hate to say it but I feel like we’ve outgrown each other. Don’t think of this as a break up letter, think of it like written permission to each other to go our separate ways for an undetermined amount of time. Being the sort of organized fellow that I am I have compiled a list of reasons why it’s not working out between us.
-It’s not you sex, it’s me. Look, I’m sure you are a lot of fun Sex. We had some good times in the past, I’ve got some fond memories. I just feel like this past year, disconnected from you. You aren’t doing it for me anymore. Don’t worry there’s no one else, I didn’t find any younger, hotter recreational activities to leave you for. I just feel like at this point in my life I’ve outgrown you and would rather be doing other things, like settling in with a good Springsteen biography, watching Walking Dead reruns, or cleaning my Guinea Pig cage. It’s not you it’s me. Trust me. (*it’s SO totally you* whispered under breath).
-You had so much potential you never lived up to Sex. Our relationship isn’t what it could/should/would (take your pick) be. Like I said, we had some good times in the past. On paper, you sound like a hell of a catch Sex. You’re good for my health, you relieve stress, you promote pair bonding, you burn calories, and you release endorphins to name but a few benefits. However, as the saying goes there is no free lunch, there was always a high price to pay, Sex. I’ve had way too many fights with partners about you Sex, with such diverse topics as
- Arguments about frequency, not enough or too much.
- Arguments about effort, too much or not enough from myself or partners.
- Arguments about what acts will or will not be done.
- Arguments about anything under the sun after we’ve had sex too early in a new relationship. If you ever want to bring someone’s baggage to the surface in a new relationship, sex them up too early. It’s a one way express ticket to their Crazy-town.
-I need my space right now Sex. After a string of mediocre dates these past few months with people I couldn’t even fake an attraction to if I tried, I haven’t even thought of you, Sex. Not once. Ever. Going out on a string of dates with people I have zero attraction to, has made me feel like those little white lab mice that keep pushing the lever but no pellet is coming out. Where the @#$@#! is my pellet? When you keep going to the lever and pushing the button with no pellet it’s hard to keep motivated. You start asking yourself, without a payoff, what’s the point? Now, that I’ve mentally taken Sex off the dating table it’s amazing how low pressure dating has become. I never have to worry about getting laid, never have to worry about if when and how if my new dating prospect is sending signals or not, I never have to worry about sex at all. I can just go out on a date for the sake of having a time out with a lady. Plus, being that I have not been honest to God attracted to anyone in a good 11 months Sex, it all works out anyways.
-I’m not the guy you are looking for Sex. Sure, I bet out there in the world there are ladies and gentlemen who have a satisfying relationship with you, but I’m not that guy. Things just never quite worked out between us, there was always too much bullshit between us. We could have been great together, we could have been contenders alas, I don’t think it was meant to be Sex. Don’t cry Sex, there’s no need to be melodramatic. I love you, I’m just not IN LOVE with you sex. We will still totally be friends, okay?
I’m not saying this is a break up, but let’s call this what it is. A mutual parting of the ways for an indeterminate amount of time. Who knows? Maybe, someday I will meet a special lady who has dealt with her baggage and has her crazy in check and I may want to start up again with you Sex, but right now my bullshit tolerance is roughly ten degrees below absolute zero. Until that day comes, perhaps it’s best we go our separate ways. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a sandwich, Walking Dead rerun and a nap scheduled this afternoon that I really must get to.
Good luck, goodbye Sex.