Online Dating, The Horror. (Originally Published September 25, 2011)

Greeting faithful readers! Yet again I must apologize for the lack of new blogisodes. However, this was partially not my fault. I was temporarily without internet for 2.5 weeks due to my internet service being cut by an internet company, whom I’m not even a customer of. Go yell at a company you’re not a customer of for screwing with you and in return you’ll get a prime example of “yeah, we’ll get right on that sir.” I swear to god, I heard a toilet flush in the background whilst on that phone call.  

Anyways, the last three (Mitch Classic) blogisodes, while some of the most emotionally raw best writing I have ever done, have been a little on the morose side. Divorce tends to nut punch the whimsy right out of you. However, Mitch has had some wickedly awesome lucky bounces this past month, life is rolling along pretty damn good and I miss being funny. Let’s dance, Mary; 

Mitch’s Observations on Online Dating A.K.A Reasons Why I Might Just Want to Stay Single.

Mitch has only started dipping his toe in the dating game. I’m in no rush to get into a steady full time relationship, I just got out of my marriage a few months ago. However, I have started perusing online dating sites to see what that is all about and here are some random things I’ve learned in no particular order.

-Beware the profiles that only have a head shot. Be even warier of the profiles that have 4-5 pictures and they’re all head shots. There’s a huge reason they only have head shots. 


-The interpretation of “a few extra pounds” under the body type category is a tricky one to navigate. This phrase can vary greatly amongst people. When I think “a few extra pounds” I think of someone such as myself, I work out regularly, I watch what I eat, but I love carbs and the occasional bag of chips so I got a “few extra pounds.”  Let’s just say Mitch met up with an online prospect once and the difference between my idea and her idea of a “few extra pounds” was a difference between a smart car and a bus. Ask for a full body pic, trust me it will save you from one of the more awkward moments of your existence.


-“The ‘Drinker: Occasional’ Pic Incongruence.” Now, just to clarify, Mitch does imbibe, I’m not a heavy drinker but I do enjoy an evening nightcap now and then. From time to time I even let loose and pay for it the next morning followed by a breakfast of Gatorade and Advil while dropping Murtaughs left and right of “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit.” However, in the online dating world I have noticed that often people will put their drinking status as “occasional” but have 5-6 different pictures of themselves, from 5-6 different nightclubs with 5-6 different drinks in their hands. FYI saying your drinking status as “occasional” and putting a pic of yourself doing a keg stand sends a mixed message. FYI #2 saying your drinking status as “occasional” and putting a pic of yourself doing a keg stand and your 37 years old makes you kind of intriguing, strangely attractive and unremarkably sad at the same time. Which leads me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I’m attracted to train wreck women?


-Age 41. This really means you have to add at least 4-12 years to get her real age. Found this one out the hard way when my 41 year old date finally admitted on our third date she was 51. Which would certainly explain why it strangely felt like I was kissing one of my aunts. If you ever suspect you may be in this situation my advice is to start dropping a load of seventies pop culture pop culture jokes (Man, that David Cassidy was a fine piece of ass in the seventies wasn’t he???) She may slip up and say I remember seeing that when I was high school, suspicion confirmed. On the other hand, 51 also means she knows what she’s doing in the bedroom. Damn. May have pulled chute a little early on that one. 


-“I’m looking for a friendship first but I want a commitment, but I need a faithful man, but I don’t want to be tied down but I  just need to see where it goes, but I need to know this is going somewhere, but I don’t want any games, but I need my space, but I’m looking for something long term but not serious, I’m looking to date but just want hang out but I need to be wined and dined and I am actively seeking a soul mate.” Uhhhh, when I messaged you and asked you where you got your tattoo work done, that wasn’t an opening line, I really was just looking for where you got your tattoo work done. I wish you, and what I assume is at least 9 cats, the best of luck…yikes.


-Chicken Wings is food, not an “interest.” I weep for your empty existence.  


-You are legally obligated to stop dropping gang hand symbols in your profile pictures once you are over that age of 23. Make that 21. No, 19. Actually, Just stop. Stop.

-Duck-face. Really?


If ever a blogisode warrants a sequel(s) this one is it I’m sure. No need to thank me, I’m an idea man, it’s what I do. 


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One thought on “Online Dating, The Horror. (Originally Published September 25, 2011)

  1. lol! I love the duck face!!! She also should watch the tanning beds..too much is bad for you.

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