Greetings faithful readers. Welcome to the first Mitch Being Honest of 2012. Let’s skip the pleasantries and get to all things Mitch.
Recently, a lovely brunette friend gave me one of those year end lists that newspapers love to print in their lifestyle section in the last two weeks of the year when they run out of real news to report like “Cranky old out of touch bastard is pissed about tax hikes” or “local pro sports team which has sucked harsh for years, still sucks, but our rabid fans still have hope, to the point of naive embarrassment.”
I think this article she cut out for me was called “Dating Resolutions For The New Year.” I admit, initially this article was immediately filed directly in my recycle box. To clarify, she wasn’t dropping any hints about Mitch’s game. If anything she’s just the kind of caring thoughtful person who will cut out an article or recipe and make a point of getting it to you. A rare brand of kind thoughtfulness these days.
The next day, curiosity got the better of me and I fished the article out of my recycle box at my office desk amongst the unread work memos, unread staff memos, unread corporate memos, unread Little Mitch’s school memos and pretty much anything else resembling a memo. It’s amazing how little information you really miss when you stop reading memos. The trick is when someone asks you if you “read that memo” just say “Yeah. Yeah, I did” and be sure to stop just short of explaining anything remotely resembling actually reading it. 50% of the time they take your word that you read it and the other 50% of the time they have such little regard for your opinion in the corporate machine they won’t ask what you thought of the memo anyways, which means your ass is 100% covered.
The “Dating Resolutions For The New Year” article had one resolution that caught my interest, it suggested that you make a list of the traits and qualities you are looking for in a prospective partner. Well, now we’re talking! If there is anything Mitch loves, it’s making a good list. How should I organize the list? By descending order of importance? By ascending order of trait usefulness? Alphabetical order of qualities? Hold a 16 lady elimination tournament and crown a winner similar to when Randy “Macho Man” Savage won a tournament to win the championship belt at Wrestlemania IV? After two lukewarm mugs of the warm brown lie my work likes to call “coffee,” and I am being pretty freaking generous with that term, I steeled my nerves with the focus of a man with a mission. I bet this is exactly how Rocky felt seconds before the bell rang for that final epic battle against the giant Russian Ivan Drago. You could cut the electricity with a knife.
Twenty minutes later I was stumped. Staring at a nearly blank page. In the scrawl that hasn’t really improved since grade two, I only scratched out 3 points. “How hard could this be?” I asked myself. I’m divorced in my mid thirties, I’ve got another chance. I’m still young. The world is literally my oyster to find the right lady this time around. To quote my cousin Mandy, “You get to have the all the fun you never had in your twenties but with the wisdom of your thirties to know better and the life experience to not put up with any bullshit.” (Advice like this is why she was my Best Woman at my wedding). Three points.
Three. Fucking. Points.
The Official List of Super Galactic Mega Qualities Mitch Is Looking For In a Lady. (I figured I better up-sell the shit out of the title as the list itself was a colossal washout).
3. Not an idiot.
To be continued…