Greetings faithful readers. No time for pleasantries. Let’s get to The Lady List: Part Two.
“It ought to be easy. Ought to be simple enough. Man meets woman and they fall in love…”
-Bruce Springsteen, Tunnel of Love.
As you recall in the last blogisode I made a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a partner and after much reflection all I came up with was:
3. Not an idiot.
I’ve had a month to marinate on this topic and how I would follow up Part Two of this blog idea. Frankly, this topic has weighed on my mind quite heavily, it’s a quandary I’ve been wrestling with all month, much to the chagrin of my patient friends who put up with my bullshit as I work through concepts in discussion with them. Thank you friends, for your patience. Seriously, you guys rock harder than a Whitesnake video complete with hot chick doing splits on a white corvette as a white tiger saunters by.
Initially, part of me felt the list needed to be longer, like I was supposed to have some extravagant long list. But the problem was that part of me felt the list was sufficient. What more is there to need? I honestly don’t know what more I need to add to the list. Maybe the ability to kill a Kodiak bear with her bare hands. That would be really a cool skill for a lady to have. Not really a practical skill for a lady to possess as I live in suburban hell, but there is something strangely attractive about a woman who can kill a large mammal with her hands. I think the problem is that the list exercise was not one that was designed for someone as practical as me.
This topic weighed heavily on my mind so much that I made an appointment with my therapist. The therapist who looks like a white haired near albino overweight middle aged Big Boy Mascot with the gentle demeanour of a soft teddy bear, possessing the terrifying ability to get Dr. Phil on your ass for your own good. The fear I feel for him in Dr. Phil mode is the same terrifying awe I had of my elementary school principal from grades one through four. As he often does, he asked how my dating life was going. My mouth opened and I went on one of my patented Mitch Being Honest rants.
“Honestly? I’m fucking frustrated with dating dude. I don’t get it. I do not understand it one iota. I feel like I’m in a game where I don’t understand all the unspoken rules. Yet any time I think I figure out a dating rule accepted by the general population I think, ‘this is the stupidest most pointless rule I ever heard.’
I don’t understand the terms ‘dating’, ‘seeing someone’, ‘casually seeing each other’, ‘friends’, ‘just friends’, ‘more than friends’, ‘relationship’, ‘kind of sort of not really seeing each other,’ or any other dating term I don’t freaking understand. To me all these terms just seem like one giant hedge bet; just in case the deal shits the bed in the future you use these terms to maintain a level of detachment so you don’t have to fully invest yourself.
Quite frankly, if I like you, I’m going to want to spend time with you. That’s it. It’s that simple for me. I want to spend time with you. Everything else about the “dating game” just seems like a pointless dance to me. I don’t fucking get it.”
Without missing a beat my therapist responded “Oh. Ok when you told me you wanted help with the dating game I thought you meant teach you some ‘rules.’ Here’s the thing. The ‘Dating Game’ is a game, and you’re right the rules are stupid. I’ll be honest with you. You’re a real straight shooter no bullshit kind of guy. A no BS authentic guy like yourself is going to struggle in the dating game, because it will seem so ridiculous to you. Be patient, you’ll find in your age bracket you will find more women will be appreciative of your ability to be authentic and honest but you are going to have a string of failed relationships before that happens.”
In his long winded way this was my therapists ‘Just Be Yourself” speech. I did find it to be helpful advice. Ever watch a foreign movie with bad subtitling and think, “These subtitles aren’t quite matching up with what is going on in the movie. The naked oiled up hemophiliac mailman is shaving his cat but the subtitles are talking about Pre-Franco-Prussian war politics, masturbation and existentialist angst. Or the subtitles are right and Swedish cinema is weird as balls. ” That’s how I was starting to feel about dating…
In conclusion, I have decided to edit the list and put this topic out to pasture to stud:
NEW AND IMPROVED OFFICIAL LIST OF SUPER GALACTIC MEGA QUALITIES MITCH IS LOOKING FOR IN A LADY:
3. Not an idiot.
4. Ability to kill a Kodiak bear with her bare hands but the ability to kill any large mammal with her bare hands will suffice. After all, I don’t want to come off as too picky.