Tag Archives: divorce

Good Luck, Goodbye.

Greetings faithful readers,

May 15, 2013 will be the exact three year anniversary of Mitch Being Honest. I have been flirting with the idea for about a year now and I have finally decided to retire Mitch Being Honest. Before you shave your heads and take vows of celibacy in protest to my shocking retirement news that I’m sure will shake the foundations of your very existence, let me lay out for you the reasons behind my decision.

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After three years of writing from the “Mitch” persona premise, I’m just downright bored with it. There’s nothing new I can do with this premise and I’ve lost a bit of that fire in the belly I had for keeping the Mitch Blog train a rollin’. It used to be fulfilling and therapeutic to fire out a blog that made me laugh, now it feels like a chore to come out with something for my readers. And the point of the blog was to always make myself laugh first and foremost, but now I feel guilty that my output is not regular. I’ve gotten away from writing to make myself laugh first, others second.

“The You Got Civilized Dilemma.”Any of my regular readers knows that Mitch is a die hard fan of Rocky film franchise. They are more than films to me, they are a philosophical way of life. In Rocky 3, Mickey at one point says to Rocky “The worst thing that can happen to you, that can happen to any fighter, you got civilized.”

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The blog was a therapeutic way for me to deal with the turmoil that was going in my life by finding the humour in the absurdity of it all. I wrote about my unstable marriage, my marriage failing, my divorce, single parenting, learning to be single, and learning to date and much more. All of those things provided me a wealth of material to draw upon and find humour in. This past year I’ve made a real concerted effort to lead a quiet, mellow existence. Definitely, an antithesis reaction to spending spending sixteen years of my life in a volatile, unhealthy emotionally charged relationship. By creating my new quiet, mellow, stable life, I killed off much of what I used the blog for and what I used to say with it. In a sense, I got civilized.

Originally, the blog was a business school project that I just kept going for myself. To date the blog has 106 Facebook followers, and 99 WordPress followers. I’ve made some friends through the blog, chatted with other bloggers and even landed a paying social media gig from blogging. Not too shabby seeing as the only real effort I put in was to make myself laugh.

I will be back to blogging someday, with a new premise and a new format but for now I need a long break.

Good luck, goodbye- Mitch.

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 241

There comes a pivotal point in your post divorce singleness when you’re standing in Wal-Mart weighing the merits and efficiency 420 paper plates would bring to your life.  It’s like standing on the precipice of “finally fully re-embracing your bachelorhood” cliff and  deciding to jump…

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The Lady List: Part One (Originally Published January 27, 2012)

Greetings faithful readers. Welcome to the first Mitch Being Honest of 2012. Let’s skip the pleasantries and get to all things Mitch.

cd86ee5e-882c-479b-8e3a-d364003ba2d8Recently, a lovely brunette friend gave me one of those year end lists that newspapers love to print in their lifestyle section in the last two weeks of the year when they run out of real news to report like “Cranky old out of touch bastard is pissed about tax hikes” or “local pro sports team which has sucked harsh for years, still sucks, but our rabid fans still have hope, to the point of naive embarrassment.”

I think this article she cut out for me was called “Dating Resolutions For The New Year.” I admit, initially this article was immediately filed directly in my recycle box. To clarify, she wasn’t dropping any hints about Mitch’s game. If anything she’s just the kind of caring thoughtful person who will cut out an article or recipe and make a point of getting it to you. A rare brand of  kind thoughtfulness these days. 

The next day, curiosity got the better of me and I fished the article out of my recycle box at my office desk amongst the unread work memos, unread staff memos, unread corporate memos, unread Little Mitch’s school memos and pretty much anything else resembling a memo. It’s amazing how little information you really miss when you stop reading memos. The trick is when someone asks you if you “read that memo” just say “Yeah. Yeah, I did” and be sure to stop just short of explaining anything remotely resembling actually reading it. 50% of the time they take your word that you read it and the other 50% of the time they have such little regard for your opinion in the corporate machine they won’t ask what you thought of the memo anyways, which means your ass is 100% covered. 

The “Dating Resolutions For The New Year” article had one resolution that caught my interest, it suggested NINEWrestlemania-4-Macho-Man-Randy-Savage_2069674_display_imagethat you make a list of the traits and qualities you are looking for in a prospective partner. Well, now we’re talking!  If there is anything Mitch loves, it’s making a good list. How should I organize the list? By descending order of importance? By ascending order of trait usefulness? Alphabetical order  of qualities?  Hold a 16 lady elimination tournament and crown a winner similar to when Randy “Macho Man” Savage won a tournament to win the championship belt at Wrestlemania IV? After two lukewarm mugs of the warm brown lie my work likes to call “coffee,” and I am being pretty freaking generous with that term, I steeled my nerves with the focus of a man with a mission. I bet this is exactly how Rocky felt seconds before the bell rang for that final epic battle against the giant Russian Ivan Drago. You could cut the electricity with a knife. 

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Twenty minutes later I was stumped. Staring at a nearly blank page. In the scrawl that hasn’t really improved since grade two, I only scratched out 3 points. “How hard could this be?” I asked myself. I’m divorced in my mid thirties, I’ve got another chance. I’m still young. The world is literally my oyster to find the right lady this time around. To quote my cousin Mandy, “You get to have the all the fun you never had in your twenties but with the wisdom of your thirties to know better and the life experience to not put up with any bullshit.” (Advice like this is why she was my Best Woman at my wedding). Three points.

Thats it?

Three. Fucking. Points. 

The Official List of Super Galactic Mega Qualities Mitch Is Looking For In a Lady. (I figured I better up-sell the shit out of the title as the list itself was a colossal washout).

1. Brunette.

2. Hot.

3. Not an idiot. 

To be continued…

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I’d Like To Thank The Academy…

I’ve been called a lot of things in my day, “asshole” being usually the most prominent, often employed as a verb, noun, pronoun, adjective, adverb, interjection, conjunction and prepositions and sometimes combinations of the preceding. “You assholing asshole of an asshole’s asshole you’re an asshole!”

This however, is a first. I’ve never been called “inspiring” before. I have to say I was a bit taken aback to be nominated for “The Very Inspiring Blogger Award” by How To Date In Las Vegas. Love your city by the way, been there five times.  My failed marriage started there or more accurately the downpayment on my impending divorce nine years later started at the wedding chapel in Bally’s. Anyways, enough of my masturbatory faux “aww shucks” bashfulness, let’s get to the requirements to accept my accolades.

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The rules of the award:

  1. Display the award logo on your blog.

  2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

  3. State 7 things about yourself.

  4. Nominate 15 bloggers for this award.

  5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination by linking to one of their specific posts so that they get notified by ping back.

7 Things About Mitch That Will Both Amuse and Terrify You.

-Due to a family New Year’s Eve prank during childhood that went terribly awry I have an irrational fear of lobsters.

-One of my obsessive compulsive quirks is that I cannot sit at circular tables. My OCD brain likes right angles. You can imagine the quandary sitting at a circular table would cause to my meal.

-I consider myself a cereal aficionado.

-I have a Spongebob wallet that I use as a dating litmus test. I wouldn’t want to date a woman who has an issue with me having a Spongebob wallet. It separates the wheat from the chaff so to speak.

-Mitch really likes referring to himself in the third person.

-I once had to have a “feelings meeting” at work, to make me more aware of other peoples emotions and to be more empathetic to their feelings. Seven years later still struggling with this one.

-I live my life by an arbitrary flexible hero code of rules, but make sure to have enough if, ands, or buts and loopholes to get out of said rule if it benefits me.

The Nominations

Ok next step is to nominate 15 bloggers for this award. 15? Holy shit! 15? Really? How am I supposed to find time to read 15 other blogs if I got my own blog to write? Can I just nominate 5 bloggers but make their nominations worth triple points? Like sex and drum solos, I believe in quality over quantity. I’m going to bend the rules a wee bit. I’m only nominating 5 Blogs but giving 3 three reasons why I like each blog, that’ll count for 15.

Decimawho– Reason 1. Mojave desert dry British wit. Reason 2. I envy her prolific writing output while still maintaing her poetic prose. Reason 3. I have learned so much about Lyme disease from her blog a topic I never would have learned about on my own.

Another Single Woman’s Blog. Reason 1. It’s nice to read about someone who’s out there in the dating trenches like me. 2. It’s nice to get a female perspective about life out there in the dating trenches. Reason 3. You know when they say that people who have gone through and survived traumatic events like plane crashes or natural disasters now share a bond? I feel the same way after reading about her dating mishaps and comparing them to my own.

Today I Watched A Movie. Reason 1. Clear, succinct, organized, well written movie reviews. Reason 2. Clear, succinct, organized, well written movie reviews. Reason 3. Clear, succinct, organized, well written movie reviews.

The Jiggly Bits. Reason 1. How can you not love the title of this blog? 2. Any blog that has a post called “The only Penis That Turns Me On” is totally worthy of my attention. 3. See reasons 1 and 2. 

Wonderbread is Dead. Reason 1. Nepotism. He’s my Nephew. 2. His love of wrasslin’ is equal to my own. 3. I’m super psyched that he’s going to school for film like his uncle did. 

Once again, it’s an honour just to be nominated. “Yo Adrian, I did it!” (cue man-tears)

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Venti Suck Latte (Originally Published July 26, 2011)

DISCLAIMER: I’ve been debating for a few weeks now if I was going to repost these “Mitch Classic” blogisodes from when my marriage ended. I went back and forth between “I don’t want to repost them and relive that experience” to “I should post them to show how far I’ve come since then.” I concluded that Mitch Being Honest is about being honest, and being true to myself and to not post them would be contradictory to my blog premise.

The last couple hours of the day before sleep are the worst. That time between putting Little Mitch down for the laundrynight and my own bedtime. The only time of the day when I am truly alone. I distract myself. I fold laundry, I love to smell the scent of my son on his clean T-shirts. I watch DVD’s of movies I’ve seen too many times. I read magazines about sports I don’t care about. I listen to Springsteen, no sad songs don’t need that association. I watch music videos on youtube, always the same songs never new ones. I text with friends, keeps my focus busy. I load the dishwasher, when it doesn’t really need to be loaded. I go over my budget, even though I already know its balanced. Anything to keep busy and keep that admission I don’t want to acknowledge at bay. 

It’s been four weeks since the split. I don’t want to admit it to myself but I know it’s there. I miss intimacy. 

I don’t mean sex. I mean intimacy. I miss being touched by a woman. Just to hug, to hold hands, someone to lean into me sitting on the couch, to have someone to hold onto in bed on Sunday morning.

You know what part I miss the most? Now that it’s just me and Little Mitch at our place it smells like a man house.  I’ve always loved the fragrance of a woman and now it’s not there. The scent of a woman can literally make my skin tingle, now I don’t know if and when I will ever get that feeling again. The perfumed floral fragrance of femininity. 

Right now, if someone offered me a choice between a physically satisfying purely sexual one night stand or an emotionally fulfilling intimate cuddle in bed, I have to be honest, I may choose the latter. 

I read a book that says the first 100 days since the split are the worst. I sure hope so because I am ticking off the100 days to get to that number. Not that I expect to get to day 100 and some magical switch will click and everything will be okay. I’m not delusional, I know this stage of my life. learning to be single, is a journey. But I keep telling myself if I can get to 100 days… I don’t know what will happen at day 100 I think Im just using that arbitrary number as a goal to keep my mind focused on the things I don’t want to focus on. It’s always easier to focus on external things than the internal hurting angry bitter sad things. I know it in my head and I know it in my heart but on a certain level I don’t want to acknowledge it; I will be divorced. Just the thought of the word makes my chest sink. 

At this point, you’re probably thinking that I’m depressed. Actually that couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, I’m actually, in general happy about the state of things. I just feel desensitized. A venti suck latte with a crap biscotti and flavour shot of mildly angry about the situation.

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Little Mitch is doing okay. His grandpa is looking after him for the summer when I am at work. He is happy but there are signs now that the life changes are affecting him too. He’s hitting a lot. Not hard, but hitting nonetheless, I think he’s mad about the life changes too, I don’t blame him, somedays I want to hit things too.

He’s back in my bed indefinitely. The five year old kid who doesn’t really like to cuddle in bed needs to fall asleep on my chest. He’s very concerned about when I am going to bed, he doesn’t want to be in bed alone, he asks me every night to go to bed with him. I wake up some mornings to go to work and he cries he wants me to stay in bed, and then I have to hand him off to his grandpa. Every day hes asks me if I’m going to work tomorrow, I say yes, and he asks me to take the day off. 

Tonight, as we lay in bed, after his bedtime stories, Little Mitch asked me again to tell him a story about when I was a kid. I told him the story of the first girl I ever asked out when I was in Grade 9. He listened intently as he often does to stories about my childhood. “Daddy, did you ask mommy out?” a few years later I did, I replied. “Daddy? Why don’t you ask her out again?” Sorry bud, that’s not going to happen, mommy and daddy were fighting too much. “Oh yeah daddy, we’re still a family though right?” That’s right I said we’re still a family. “Daddy? Are you going to ask any girls out soon?” I told him a version of the truth he could understand, “Not right now bud, maybe someday who knows? But right now, no.” 

The sad reality of my days is that the most authentic adult conversations I have are with my five year old son at bedtime. I think I need to start letting other people in. 

 

 

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I Have My Days (Originally Published July 10, 2011)

DISCLAIMER: I’ve been debating for a few weeks now if I was going to repost these “Mitch Classic” blogisodes from when my marriage ended. I went back and forth between “I don’t want to repost them and relive that experience” to “I should post them to show how far I’ve come since then.” I concluded that Mitch Being Honest is about being honest, and being true to myself and to not post them would be contradictory to my blog premise.

To say it’s been a hectic few weeks in Mitch’s life is an understatement of monumental proportions. Last weekend we moved Mrs. Mitch out and into her own place. Strange, what do I call her now on the blog? She’s keeping my last name for now, so technically she’s still Mrs. Mitch, but calling her that doesn’t feel right. Here’s a few possible blog pseudonyms for Mrs. Mitch:

-The Spouse Formerly Known as Mrs. Mitch, TSFKAMM? No, too long and doesn’t have good word Feng Shui.

-Little Mitch’s Mom. Not bad, not great, but doesn’t convey that we had a 16 year relationship.

-My Ex-Wife. Yuck. I really do not like this term at all. It has such a bad connotation, and really we’re still friends. I don’t want to be one of those divorced people who 8 years after the divorce are still bitterly angry and start every sentence with “Oh yeah, when I was with my Ex she…..” 

-Little Mitch’s Co-Parent. Technically, this is the most accurate term for her now. We will be sharing co-parenting of Little Mitch. However, this term feels rather clinical, lacks warmth, and is so politically correct it makes me want to vomit in my soy non dairy organic free trade chai latte. Okay, I admit I’ve never actually had a coffee like that, it was the most politically correct coffee I could think of. 

I got it. Take out the “Mrs.” and use “Ms.” That works. “Ms. Mitch.” I like it, simple, clean, no negative connotations, and not overly politically correct. Done. Next order of business.

The question I field most often from people about my upcoming divorce is “how are you doing?” complete with the empathetic 45 degree sideways head tilt. Admit it. Right now you’re thinking, “son of a bitch, he’s right. I totally do that when I’m asking a concerned question.” 

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How I answer depends on my day. I have my good days, bad days, emotionally tired days, numb days, angry days, sad days, not feeling anything days, want to stress eat everything in the house days, enjoying my new found freedom days, keeping busy with little projects around the house days, stress smoking too much again days, missing physical intimacy days, wasting too much time on the internet because I just don’t have it in me to grieve days, avoiding thinking of the hurt by redecorating our old place to make it my place days, keeping busy hanging out with friends days, keeping my mind occupied watching movies I been meaning to watch for a while days, wanting to cry but I can’t days, not wanting to cry days but I can’t, should probably stop having so many Jim Beam nightcaps before bed days. 

Usually though, I just answer that “I’m surviving, I’m doing okay.” with a weak smirk. 

A year or so ago we got Little Mitch tested by a couple of child psychologists, turns out my kid who bends over naked, spreads his cheeks and makes his tan brown ass laugh heartily is “gifted.” Now, I know you’re thinking this means some sort of prodigy or wunderkind product of my loins. Not really, the soft sell is some kids ask five questions about dogs smelling other dogs butts, Little Mitch asks twenty five. Sometimes this rampant curiosity is a lot of fun, like when we’re at the children’s library, museum, or science centre. 

Superman_on_toilet_by_DiorgoOther times this unbridled curiosity can be a bit much if unchecked. “Dude, look I’m pretty sure The Incredible Hulk’s penis and testicles are green along with the rest of his body, now please stop asking me questions about superheroes genitals. What? Huh? I don’t know if Superman’s poop is bullet-proof like the rest of him that question is kind of… now that you mention it, that is a darn good question. Let Daddy look that one up on the internet.”

The days I struggle with the most are the “tough questions days.” The other caveat of having a gifted inquisitive child is that they ask questions that cut right to heart of the matter. The thing is, Little Mitch inherited his daddy’s tenacity and you have to answer or he won’t drop it, you can’t distract him, evade the question, or shift his focus, it doesn’t work. He’s like a four and a half year old question Terminator. You just have to answer and be honest with him.

Little Mitch: “Daddy? When are you Mommy going to get married again?”

Mitch: (taking a deep breath, holding back tears) “Well buddy, Mommy and Daddy are not going to be married anymore. We’re not going to get married again either. We’re still a family, we love you, but it was just Mommy and Daddy were fighting a lot and we decided to not be married anymore.”

Little Mitch: “Oh yeah! I get two homes now! I forgot! (thinking for a few seconds) “Daddy, are you ever going to get married again?”

Mitch: (stunned for a few seconds) “Oh wow, buddy. I wasn’t expecting that question. I don’t know buddy. Maybe. Who knows. I might meet someone someday. But right now, probably not for a very long time.” 

Little Mitch: “Daddy? How come you don’t cry?”

I was taken aback. I had no answer. I wished he was older and could understand that Daddy is too pissed off right now to cry, but I didn’t want him thinking that I was mad at him in anyway about the divorce. 

I have my days. 

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How Did We Get Here? (Originally Published June 23 2011)

DISCLAIMER: I’ve been debating for a few weeks now if I was going to repost these “Mitch Classic” blogisodes from when my marriage ended. I went back and forth between “I don’t want to repost them and relive that experience” to “I should post them to show how far I’ve come since then.” I concluded that Mitch Being Honest is about being honest, and being true to myself and to not post them would be contradictory to my blog premise.

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It’s a strange feeling waking up one morning and realizing your marriage is finished. 

Yesterday morning I woke up and was still married, by that evening when I went to bed my marriage was over. 

I’m sure many of my readers noticed that blogisodes were coming few and far between as of late. I kind of hinted in blogisodes that there was a lot going on in my personal life and now dear reader, you know why. I’m not going to turn this blogisode into a bitch session of the messy specific details of why we’re divorcing, as the details don’t matter. As most people know when a relationship is ending, it’s not one reason but a myriad of reasons. 

I apologize if todays blogisode is rambling and all over the place, I’m utilizing the advice an English professor gave me in my university days. She said, “when you are feeling, just write, don’t think, just feel and write.”

As I sit at my kitchen table looking out the window on the orange morning sun hitting the trees my thoughts are grieving the life we had. We were together 16 years…16 years, that’s half my life. 

Yesterday I was married, today I am not. 

At this point I’m not sad about the marriage ending, could be the shock, reality will probably sink in a few weeks from now, but right now in a surreal way I feel… relief. I think deep down I knew this thing was done a while ago. The cracks in the foundation became chasms. 

I worry for my 5 year old son. When I got married I promised myself that my son would not be a child of 104370352_divorce_282607cdivorce. I’m so sorry little man, we tried, I tried, I tried so hard to make it work, we really did, we did everything we could. I am so sorry for how this is going to change your life. I grew up as a child of divorce and so did your mommy. I promise you though, I promise with every fibre of my being that I will never slander your mother in front of you. She’s your mother and I still love and respect her even though we are moving to a new stage of our lives. We will still have a family, there will still be love, things will just be different from now on. Just know that you have been and will always be proof of the deep love mommy and daddy had. 

I admit I’m numb right now. It will be a while before the full emotional scale of things hits me. Today, was a painful sad day but there was hope, relief and we even managed to have a few laughs. I’m not angry, I feel anger over the situation but mostly I’m grieving the loss of what we had. 

I don’t know what the future holds. For the first time in my adult life, I will be single. I need to find out who I am outside of a failing marriage. I’m scared of the upcoming changes, and the uncertainty. But much like a marriage, this will be a journey.

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Back In The Dating Saddle…Again.

Greetings faithful readers. You’ve probably noticed a slow down in my posts as of late. This is pretty typical for me this time of year for a number of reasons:

-November and December are prime allergy and cold and flu season for me, and this year was no different. Mainly I lived on my couch in sweatpants feeling like 6lbs of shit stuffed into a 5lb sac.

-January to February there’s really not a whole lot going on. Plus, being in the middle of a Planet Hoth like winter in the middle of suburban hell, I tend to cocoon in my house with movies and books a little more than usual. When there’s sweet fuck all going in your life, there’s sweet fuck all to write about.

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-The video game, Red Dead Revolver: Undead Nightmare, I got for Christmas has sucked entirely way too much of my free time. Killing hordes of zombies in the old west is just way too much fun for me to regret the lack of human contact and ensuing carpal tunnel.

-I’m putting actual honest to god effort into online dating.

Yes, that last one is the jumping off point for this blogisode. As you recall, I took a bit of a break from the online dating world after the soul bruising “Sweatpants Date.” Christmas rolled around and I learned one important delayed life lesson. Being single at Christmas sucks. It sucks almost as much as being drunk with your mom on X-mas eve while watching Die Hard as she starts to wax nostalgic after her fifth whisky screwdriver. I never noticed it my first divorced Christmas because I was working on a huge freelance writing gig right up until Christmas eve, and I had Little Mitch most of the time, I had no time to think about being divorced over the holidays.

Not this year though, I had no big projects, and with sharing custody of Little Mitch with his mom more than the year before, I had more time to myself. Then factor in I was so sick I was just at home with nothing to do but think. Too much time to think with nothing to do is never good for me. Plus, being so sick meant I was not exercising. Which, when you are bipolar and manage your moods with daily regular exercise means you got a depression bipolar downswing coming in the mail. Charlie Sheen’s bipolar gets out of whack he gets porn star girlfriends, more fame and a new tv show, I get depressed and mope like a EMO teenage girl on her first period. That’s when the self loathing starts. To sum, I felt like crap, I was loathing myself and my bipolar perceived “relationship failures” of 2012 and I just felt really, really divorced.

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Finally, all my cold, flus and infections ran their course. I got well enough to ease into exercise again and my moods stabilized and I was back to my regular Mitchness.

I reflected upon 2012 and why I was so disappointed. I figured 2012 was the year I would date, and end up in a healthy relationship, that simple and straightforward, right? Nope. Didn’t work out that way. Me brooding, blaming and loathing myself isn’t going to change that. What was the common denominator for me in 2012 and the relationships that didn’t pan out? Me. Not only me, but my expectations. I realized a good portion of my after the fact disappointment in myself of how my relationships failed in 2012 was that I had naive, preconceived static expectations about how the dating year would pan out. I concluded I can’t change the people I dated, or how the relationships faltered but I can change my expectations. I concluded that when it comes to relationships and dating nothing is going to change if I don’t change it. It was time to get back in the dating saddle again.

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I decided that in 2013 I will take the mentality of a closing pitcher in baseball. These guys are known as “closers”, they come in in the last innings of a game, throw strikes and hopefully end the game with a win. “Closers” are known for having short memories if they throw a bad pitch, or the ability to shake off adversity, and move on. That’s the mentality I need to take. No more brooding, blaming or loathing. When it comes to dating, my mentality is that of a closing pitcher, short memory, shake off the losses and one bad pitch is just one bad pitch forget it and move onto the next one.

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So far, 2013 is off to a good dating start, with three dates with three different lovely ladies. Dating, like baseball can be a long gruelling up and down season, you just need to shake off the bad pitches and keep going one pitch at a time. Play ball!

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Mitch’s One Line Review of Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

“The premise is a bipolar dude whose marriage falls apart after infidelity attempts to rebuild his life all the while trying to manage his mental illness…as a bipolar dude whose marriage fell apart after infidelity attempting to rebuild his life all the while trying to manage his mental illness, this film really spoke to me for some reason.”

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Mitch Year In Review A.K.A Crap I Learned 2012 Edition

Greetings faithful readers, it’s that time of year where every website, magazine, news show etcetera does a year in review list where they go back and reflect upon the past year. Mitch Being Honest is no different. Without further delay or fanfare, I give you:

The Mitch Being Honest 2012 Crap I’ve Learned About Relationships In No Particular Order Year In Review. 

  • Breaking up with someone you’re crazy about hurts as much as getting broken up with. Thankfully, the brothers of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels will be there for you.
  • The novelty of post divorce dating wears off much quicker than anticipated.
  • The age difference between a 34 year old man and a 38 year old woman involved with one another, is 4 years to the man, 8-10 years for the woman.
  • My newly instituted “no female friendships” rule while seen as a controversial stance by some has made my life much more drama free.
  • The old saying “sex changes everything” has never rung so true before.

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  • A good case of smoking induced bronchitis has finally broken my habit of resuming smoking whilst recovering from breakups.
  • If a relationship is starting to feel toxic, it’s because it is. And not in the good slutty Britney Spears way.

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  • Getting your first honest to God real blow-job at the age of 34 isn’t as awesome as you think it was going to be when you weren’t getting them. Don’t get me wrong it was still pretty damn good.
  • During good times, bad times, sad times, hurting times, angry times, lonely times, okay times, confused times, all times in between, Springsteen’s music will always be there for you.
  • If you need to hurt during a breakup, hurt. Holding it in just drags out the hurt. Just like flatulence.
  • Your best friend, will remind you why he’s your “hetero life partner in a totally non gay way” when he says “I know you were hurting for a long time after that one* (*breakup). Things will get better someday. I love you, man.”
  • When you start masturbating out of boredom, you are definitely in a rut. But I still count it as part of my cardio exercise regimen.

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  • In baseball and dating a batting average of .300 means solid steady production getting hits. But it also means you’re striking out 70% of the time.
  • Thinking with my genitals did get me laid but it also taught me an important life lesson. I may sometimes think with my wang but ladies think with their feelings after they let you play with their lady parts. Which consequently, is the same time when most of my 2012 relationships began to circle the drain.
  • Those little nagging doubts you choose to ignore in the beginning of the relationship, were nagging you for a very good reason.
  • It’s not just the exes fault, you made the choice to go out with them and brought your own crap to the table.
  • Don’t start/end any relationships on any major holidays. After you breakup you will just be annually reminded the exact day you started/ended that relationship.

I’m sure there is more I learned but I feel this hits the main points. Now that I’ve reflected upon the past year where do I go with this for the new year? 2012 was supposed to be the year I find my “Erica” (My TV dream woman from the show Being Erica whom I am in lust/love with). I assumed I was going to go out on some great dates, hit my groove in the dating game, date 4-5 ladies, then eventually find myself the hot, sexy, intelligent brunette woman I’ve been looking for who would become my girlfriend with some long term relationship potential. How hard could it be? I honestly, truly thought that’s how it would go.

Being Erica

Reality was a lot different than naive expectation. I did date a few women and seeing as I’m single again its obvious that things didn’t work out. The dating game was ebb and flow, feast and famine, floods and dry spells. I went on good, mediocre and bad dates.

When I was griping about this to Decimawho, she responded with what did I honestly expect? She said the first year out of a major relationship is a year of learning and gaining experience in new relationships, and that’s what 2012 became.

For 2013 I am going to tweak my expectations. In fact, I won’t use the word “expectations.” Here are my INTENTIONS for 2013.

  • Create new healthy relationships.
  • No sex with any new partners too early in the relationship, not until we have a solid foundation built.
  • Trust that when it comes to meeting someone sometimes timing, serendipity, and circumstance are things I cannot control and just lets things happen as they are intended to.

And most importantly,

  • Go do other things, there’s more to life than dating.
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