Tag Archives: Life Lesson

Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 251

Lesson 251 AKA “Why You Can’t Have Motivating Sports Talks With a Seven Year Old.”

Scene: I’ve been coaching Little Mitch for the past 3.5 weeks for his first Taekwondo tournament employing many strategies from my wrestling coach and martial arts days.

The-Karate-Kid-Ralph-Machio-and-Pat-Morita-catMitch: “Okay buddy, tournament is 2 days away and this is our last practice. Do you feel ready?”

Little Mitch: “Yeah. I’m ready. I feel good.”

M: “Last drill. Let’s put it all together, let’s spar, offence, defence, the whole thing.”

LM: “Ok.”

M: “The sparring tournament is to 5 points. Right?”

LM: “Uh, I dont know. I guess so.”

M: “It’s to 5 points, okay. That other kid has your 5 points. You need to take those 5 points from the other kid. Those 5 points are yours! I want you to go out there and TAKE your 5 points!!! Whose 5 points is it?!?!?!”

LM: (Blank Stare)….”His? No, mine? No, his, wait, mine…his? mine,? I don’t know his? Uhhh… whose points?”

M: “The other kid has your 5 points. Take it from him. ”

LM: “He has my points? Wait the points are on his chest. I get a point for that right?”

M:”Sigh…You know what? Just go out and have fun, you’ll do fine, you’re ready.”

LM: “Can we order pizza tonight?”

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 250

On a recent road trip, Little Mitch and I were passing the time playing Pictionary on his Nintendo 3DS. My first guess was soooooooo not even remotely close to “light post.”

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(Sorry for the lack of updates gang, I been getting my ass kicked by  my annual spring allergies and I’ve been licnesed to ill for a solid two weeks)

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 248

The grocery store cashier asked me “How would you like to pay?”

I replied, “Through the majesty of dance!”

In return,  the cashier gave me an apathetic blank stare. I thought it was funny you ironic soulless hipster register jockey.

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Life Lesson With Mitch Lesson 247

THE UN-DATEABLE BY MEANS OF NORMALCY NUT PUNCH COMPLIMENT: 

A  contradictory phenomenon that occurs when you ask your friends to set you up with any single friends they may know, but they can’t think of anyone for you as they don’t recommend any of  those friends as they are very, very single for various unhealthy reasons, as they don’t want to get you and your normal, mentally stable self mixed up with that person’s crazy ass.

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 246

One of the great things about single fatherhood is that you never really have to fully grow up. I refuse to become one of those middle of the road bland parents who think their personality had to end the day their kid was born.

A great afternoon Little Mitch recovering from the flu, spent playing video game women’s wrestling for the championship we made… and the gag NEVER got old.

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 245

I really enjoy listening to sex advice podcasts. Listening to other people who have REAL sexual problems reminds me that the only “problem” I currently have is I’m going on 5 months without sexing anyone up.

Which, in reality,  is not so much a problem as it is a very temporary minor inconvenience.

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 244

Little Mitch (Age 6): Daddy can I have a breath mint?

Mitch: Just one bud, then they are going away. I need them for this weekend.

Little Mitch: Why? You got a date?

Mitch: Yes I do, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Little Mitch: Hee hee hee, I KNEW it!

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 243

I could never have sex with a virgin. The uncertainty of not knowing whether or not I set the bar incredibly high or incredibly low for her future sexual partners would be unbearable.

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Life Lessons with Mitch Lesson 82.71

82.71*

*Assuming a price of $5 a pound, that is the pounds of bacon I could have bought with the money I spent to get three dates in seven months from my now cancelled Eharmony subscription.

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 240

There comes a time during parenthood when you can no longer keep up the lie to your kid that the much cheaper no name brand cereal is the name brand cereal.

Little Mitch (6 years old): “Wait. (looking at cereal in bowl). Dad? Is this my my regular Lucky Charms? They look different. Where are the moons? There’s no rainbows in here. What did you buy?”

Mitch: “I bought Lucky Charms dude. Don’t worry about it. Eat. ”

Little Mitch: (Running to the kitchen cupboard) “Wait. What’s THIS? This isn’t my regular Lucky Charms Dad. Who’s this dude on the front? Where’s the leprechaun guy? This is a wizard.”

Little Mitch (Sounding out the box) Mar…marsh…marshhhhhh…mall….Marhmallow…mag…ick….Marshmallow magic??? Why didn’t you buy me my Lucky Charms Dad? You know they are my favourite.”

Mitch: “Ok fine they are not Lucky Charms. What’s the rule when Daddy buys cereal? Only the stuff that is on sale right?”

Little Mitch: ” I know Daddy. But I need my Lucky Charms. They are my favourite and magically delicious.”

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