Tag Archives: people

I’m Back Baby! And People I Can’t Hang With.

Greetings faithful readers! No time for pleasantries, let’s get to some housecleaning. Yes, I took five months off from writing. Do I feel recharged? Yes. Am I chock full of writing ideas? No. Did the break help? Yes. Am I psyched to be blogging again? Kind of. Did I miss it? Sort of.

Yes, I do realize five months ago I “retired” from blogging but like many a professional athlete who walked away from the game there was still some stuff in the basement that needed to get out. So I’m back to writing on a “semi-occasional-whenever-the-hell-the-mood-strikes-me-without-feeling-guilty-that-I-have-to-write-sporadic-basis.” If Jesus can come back after his most famous final performance well, then so can I. You read that right, I just totally just compared myself to Jesus.

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Will I regale you once more with more comical tales of my amusing dating hijinks and absurd relationship sagas? Hell no. Two reasons. One, I’m bored of talking about that and as I said numerous times in the past Mitch Being Honest was never intended to be about dating it just kind of evolved into that. Two, I met someone quite lovely and out of respect for her and our relationship I’m keeping it out of the blog. It’s been six months and just like when a pitcher is working on a perfect game in baseball you don’t mention the pitcher is working on a perfect game lest you jinx it.

Housecleaning done, let’s get to it.

Five Random People Mitch Can No Longer Hang With.

(Disclaimer: person can come in either gender but for sake of example I may choose one gender pronoun because I am a really lazy writer).

“You know HOW bad that is for you” guy: There’s always that one person who has to mention with a mild disdain just how bad the food you are eating is for you. They always make the “where is that weird smell in my kitchen coming from” disgust face while they say this. Then they start to mention all the healthy just as delicious alternatives. Look, first off, I know how bad the food I am eating is, I’m not a moron. The fact is I just don’t care. I know your healthy food alternatives are good for me but if I wanted that I would have chose that in the first place. When I was a kid my parents said when I was an adult I could eat whatever I wanted, they may have been sarcastically saying it but God damn it, I waited all my childhood to get to that point in my life and I don’t intend to waste that victory. Now, if you’ll excuse me my Reese Pieces, BLT with double extra bacon (BBBLT? B-cubed-LT?) and Bourbon on the rocks breakfast is getting cold.

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“Sensationalist Social Cause Facebook” gal: We all have that person who bombards our Facebook feed with sensational shocking photos of abused kids/dogs/cats/people/nature and the like. Personally, I have no problem with being passionate about a cause. Just be aware that not all of us are as passionate as you are about your cause and the last thing I want to see is a graphic explicit picture you posted about your cause that causes me to lose my appetite for my breakfast Froot Loops whilst I persuse my Facebook.

 “I don’t watch TV let alone OWN a TV” guy: Fine I get it, you’re more intellectually evolved than the rest of us because you choose not to watch TV but you don’t have to be a smug bag of dicks about it. You could just say “I don’t really like TV, I prefer reading” if you say it that way it’s more diplomatic and I may be more inclined to ask you about your reading habits and look at that, we have an engaging conversation. Say it the smug bag of dicks method and I just want to throat chop you with a book about the History of Television.

 “Joggy Joggerson” gal: They went for a jog… They are going for a jog…Once on a jog…This occurred to them on a jog…let them just check their resting heart rate because you know, they jog…the ancient mayans invented jogging…this energy bar is good for their jogs…they’ll get on the Henderson account file right after their lunch jog…sore from their jog but a good sore because you know, they jog…jogging is more than exercise its a lifestyle commitment to jogging…let them just stretch at their cubicle because the hammies are tight from the jog…

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 “That’s what THEY want you to believe” guy. There always that person in our social circle who feels that some vague anonymous “THEY” are out to screw with us. They are ever vigilant for “THEY” and their grifter ways but not this person, they are onto “THEY”.

“Yeah, I got this coupon for my next oil change, $10 off”

“Whoa. Hold up. Thats what THEY want you to think.”

“What? They want me to think I’m getting $10 off? But I am getting $10 off, I’m paying $10 less than the last oil change I got there.”

“Exactly. THEY want you to think that…”

Well, it was good to get back to the blogging thing. See you soon.

-Mitch

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 249

Gramma Mitch: “Dear, are we bringing dinner tonight when we come over?”

Mitch: “Mother, I think it’s cute that after all these years you still ask that question when we already know the answer.”

Gramma Mitch: “It’s Pops (Stepdad), he makes me call and ask. Maybe one day we’re hoping that you’ll actually offer to cook for us.”

Mitch: “I like how we both keep up the charade of this dance, Mother.”

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 248

The grocery store cashier asked me “How would you like to pay?”

I replied, “Through the majesty of dance!”

In return,  the cashier gave me an apathetic blank stare. I thought it was funny you ironic soulless hipster register jockey.

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The Lady List: Part One (Originally Published January 27, 2012)

Greetings faithful readers. Welcome to the first Mitch Being Honest of 2012. Let’s skip the pleasantries and get to all things Mitch.

cd86ee5e-882c-479b-8e3a-d364003ba2d8Recently, a lovely brunette friend gave me one of those year end lists that newspapers love to print in their lifestyle section in the last two weeks of the year when they run out of real news to report like “Cranky old out of touch bastard is pissed about tax hikes” or “local pro sports team which has sucked harsh for years, still sucks, but our rabid fans still have hope, to the point of naive embarrassment.”

I think this article she cut out for me was called “Dating Resolutions For The New Year.” I admit, initially this article was immediately filed directly in my recycle box. To clarify, she wasn’t dropping any hints about Mitch’s game. If anything she’s just the kind of caring thoughtful person who will cut out an article or recipe and make a point of getting it to you. A rare brand of  kind thoughtfulness these days. 

The next day, curiosity got the better of me and I fished the article out of my recycle box at my office desk amongst the unread work memos, unread staff memos, unread corporate memos, unread Little Mitch’s school memos and pretty much anything else resembling a memo. It’s amazing how little information you really miss when you stop reading memos. The trick is when someone asks you if you “read that memo” just say “Yeah. Yeah, I did” and be sure to stop just short of explaining anything remotely resembling actually reading it. 50% of the time they take your word that you read it and the other 50% of the time they have such little regard for your opinion in the corporate machine they won’t ask what you thought of the memo anyways, which means your ass is 100% covered. 

The “Dating Resolutions For The New Year” article had one resolution that caught my interest, it suggested NINEWrestlemania-4-Macho-Man-Randy-Savage_2069674_display_imagethat you make a list of the traits and qualities you are looking for in a prospective partner. Well, now we’re talking!  If there is anything Mitch loves, it’s making a good list. How should I organize the list? By descending order of importance? By ascending order of trait usefulness? Alphabetical order  of qualities?  Hold a 16 lady elimination tournament and crown a winner similar to when Randy “Macho Man” Savage won a tournament to win the championship belt at Wrestlemania IV? After two lukewarm mugs of the warm brown lie my work likes to call “coffee,” and I am being pretty freaking generous with that term, I steeled my nerves with the focus of a man with a mission. I bet this is exactly how Rocky felt seconds before the bell rang for that final epic battle against the giant Russian Ivan Drago. You could cut the electricity with a knife. 

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Twenty minutes later I was stumped. Staring at a nearly blank page. In the scrawl that hasn’t really improved since grade two, I only scratched out 3 points. “How hard could this be?” I asked myself. I’m divorced in my mid thirties, I’ve got another chance. I’m still young. The world is literally my oyster to find the right lady this time around. To quote my cousin Mandy, “You get to have the all the fun you never had in your twenties but with the wisdom of your thirties to know better and the life experience to not put up with any bullshit.” (Advice like this is why she was my Best Woman at my wedding). Three points.

Thats it?

Three. Fucking. Points. 

The Official List of Super Galactic Mega Qualities Mitch Is Looking For In a Lady. (I figured I better up-sell the shit out of the title as the list itself was a colossal washout).

1. Brunette.

2. Hot.

3. Not an idiot. 

To be continued…

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 238

“Ah, yes… here we go… ‘Be contacted by Satanist on online dating site‘… check that off as DONE on the Ol’ Mitch Bucket List. Sigh…”

Satan

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 229

So let me get this straight…

-We go out on a date.

-At end of said date, you give me your phone number.

-10 days later, I’ve asked you out four separate times.

-Each time I asked you either non answered or waffled a non-answer-answer.

-Day 11 you’re blindsided that I say “I’m getting the vibe you are not that interested, and I’m not really looking for a text buddy. Let’s just be honest with each other and call it a game. No hard feelings.”

-You then go on the defensive, attempting to  justify stringing me along for a week and a half whilst trying to convey a sense that I have offended and slighted you.

Thank you for reaffirming that I made the right decision.

Regards,

Mitch.

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A word of dating advice, ladies.

Greetings faithful readers! Normally I don’t post new blogisodes back to back like this, mainly due to my writing process, but I need to get something off my chest. As I mentioned in my last blogisode I’m giving the dating world another try. There is something that is irking me and being the socially conscious sort of fellow I am (not true at all, I am the farthest thing from socially conscious, but bear with me) I have a bit of advice for the ladies I encounter in the dating world.

4415470.ashxSo ladies, you’ve gone online, found a dating website, created a profile, listed your likes/dislikes/needs/wants and your interests like long walks on the beach, margaritas at moonlight, and camping. Why does every woman list “camping” as an interest? I asked my friend Allison this. Her take on it was, “Honestly. I’d say maybe 50% -60% of women actually like camping, the rest are just listing they like camping because they think it makes them come off as easy going and not prissy, based on their assumption that all dudes like camping.” I responded with “My ex-girlfriend suggested camping once. I responded with ‘Why? Wait…are you mad at me and punishing me with camping in the dirty germ infested outdoors?’”

You’ve got your online dating profile drafted up. You’ve chosen five to ten pictures of yourself to post with your profile. The usual picture trope cliches are the four to five days of the year you look your most amazing: one of you travelling looking amazing, the one of you as a bridesmaid 4 years ago looking amazing, the one of you at your Christmas party looking amazing, the one of you with your girlfriends at a club looking amazing. Notice a trend? This is probably why when I actually meet my online prospect for a first date I get the feeling that I was sold a Lexus but a Toyota Corolla showed up.

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You’re ready to take the plunge and dive into the world of online dating….

Wait.

Are you ready? You forgot to ask yourself one important question. You forgot to ask yourself, “Do I have actual time to date?”

I’ve encountered this issue on numerous occasions. I meet a lovely lady, go on a few dates, we’d like to see each other more…then cooltext her schedule monster rears its head. Fast forward two weeks later, we haven’t seen each other at all, our faint whiff of a growing “relationship” consists of texting, mainly her more than me, I lose interest very quickly in a lady when we’re texting only, with the faint wisp of a future promise that we’ll get together just as soon as her yoga class/work project/book club/kid’s pyromania/parents visiting from out of town/her school, etcetera settles down. We’ll get together soon she says “I…promise” Mitch’s advice? Anyone who has to say “I…promise” isn’t truly authentic, just assume they won’t deliver on that empty promise. Truly authentic people deliver, they don’t have to promise.

Congratulations fellas, if you found yourself in a situation like this you just collected yourself a time vampire. They will suck up bits of your time with the faint future hint that you “may” get together someday that never truly materializes. Before we get further into this premise, let me just say that I do realize that she may not be that into me. Fine, but for the sake of this rant let’s assume she is into me and scheduling is an issue.

blog-schedulingYou have to ask yourself “Do I have some space in my life to try on new people to see how they fit in my life?” If you’re working full time, going to school part time, have limited child care options and you just signed up for a belly dancing class twice a week, maybe fitting dating into your life isn’t in the cards for you right now? Something to consider.

Ladies, I do realize that you are entitled like the rest of us to find love and cultivate relationships. All I’m saying is make sure that you have time in your life schedule to fit it in. Dating takes time, it takes time to create relationships and to get to know someone. You need some availability, I’m not saying that if I ask you out Thursday I expect you to go out Friday. I understand we all have lives, jobs, hobbies etc. However when I ask you out it shouldn’t be as difficult as trying to do my taxes with pen, paper and an abacus to schedule a dinner date with you. Nor do I want to go out with you four weeks later when your schedule finally opens up for date number two, because by that point I’ve forgotten 90% of what you told me about yourself on date one. And…NO. Texting does not count as dating. I want a girlfriend eventually, not a digital pen pal.

I will concede that sometime people are busy, it happens. My point however is that if you are going to navigate the dating waters you need to make the time to do it. I’m a single father, with 70% custody, I work a full time job, a part time job and I have my own hobbies and interests. Yet I am never so busy that if I like someone, truly like them, I can’t make time for them in my life. It’s that simple for me. If I like you I will want to spend time with you, and make space in my life schedule to do so. It’s that simple for me and it should be that simple.

For me when I am “seeing someone” I like to ACTUALLY physically “see them,” but that’s just me. I’m kind of picky that way.

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 228.

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I’m going swimming tonight at the community swimming pool, and one thing I’ve learned is keep your eyes focused at all times on the floor lest ye eyes be assaulted with the horrific visual known as O.G.B…. “Old Guy Balls”.

Seriously, I  will never understand why middle aged dudes spend so much more time “nekkid” in the change-room than the rest of us. I get changed, I go. They’ll put a leg up on the bench and chat with their fellow buck ass middle aged “nekkid” buddy for 15 minutes about old guy topics like real estate, golf, and prostrate health. You know, just two hetero old dudes, shooting the breeze, beans and weiners just hanging out, letting the testes gets some fresh air and light.

My theories are that once males reach the age of 50+ they:

A. Stop caring and just let it all hang out.

B. They get so comfortable with their body they assume the rest of will be too.

C. They prefer to air dry.

D. All of the above.

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Mitch’s Dating Vacation A.K.A. Aww Eff This Diary: Day Three and One Line Movie Review of Rocky II (1979)

So how did dating vacation day three go?

-Still wearing sweatpants. I actually wore them to the grocery store. Which for me, is a huge deal. It’s a lot of effort for me to look like I’m putting no effort in. The novelty of wearing sweatpants in a “don’t give an eff” manner for the length of seven days is wearing off. Think I’ll go back to wearing jeans tomorrow.

-The beard is beard-ifying as we speak. Ive gone from a “grizzled manly stubble” vogue to a “weathered homeless drifter” chic. I got a ways to go to get to “Riker-esque.”

-I purposely did not respond to a introductory message from a lady from the dating site today. I deleted the message right away before I was too tempted to respond and check her profile. Please God, please I pray, P-R-A-Y  “SexyFITSarah453″ was not hot, please God, please????”

-The Rocky marathon to heal my battered weathered soul after too many mediocre months in the dating game continues with Rocky 2, and of course a one line review;

“Man tears. Every time I watch, man tears.”

Three days down, four to go.

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Who Wants A Campout?!?!?!?!? (Originally Published January 15, 2011)

Greeting faithful readers. A monumental decision was made this week. It’s time for Little Mitch to sleep in his own bed. Yes, that is correct. For the past four years Little Mitch has slept in our bed with us. We have a family bed. I believe the technical term is “co-sleeping”. I call it a matter of necessity to have a sweaty, squirmy, kicky, four year old who tries to wedge himself beneath me all night in our bed. 

When people find out that Little Mitch sleeps with us the response is usually one of shock and dismay followed by a “you’re never going to get him out of there, that’s such a bad habit.” First off, let me respond to these people by saying that him sleeping with us was not a matter of convenience or our laziness. It was a last resort for the sake of all of our sanity. From the first day we got Little Mitch home after his first 33 days of life in the hospital, the kid did not sleep. He did not nap, snooze, doze, siesta, power nap or do anything remotely resembling sleep. He just didn’t sleep. I don’t remember his first three weeks at home, it’s all one long hazy tired blur. 

After three weeks of little to no sleep, I was hearing voices. Sadly, that’s not an exaggeration, I heard voices behind me. I turned around and said to Mrs. Mitch “Did you hear that?”, the only thing behind me was the wall. Finally one long  night when Little Mitch was having one of his night wailing fits, I couldn’t take anymore and brought him into our bed placed him between us and we all had our first solid four hour sleep in over a month. That nap was damn near orgasmically good. Mrs. Mitch and I always said that our children were never going to sleep in our bed. It’s amazing how a few weeks of sleep deprivation and all around sanity desperation will change your mind. At that point in my sorry mental state if someone told me that shoving a firecracker up my ass, smearing dijon mustard on my chest, and singing ABBA tunes while spinning counterclockwise would make my kid sleep, I wouldn’t think twice to do it. Long sleep deprived story short, you name the sleep technique, and I’ll tell you how it failed miserably with Little Mitch. Four years later Little Mitch is still in our bed. 

Occasionally some people will ask “So with a kid in your bed, uh…how do you guys…you know…do…’it’?” I usually respond, “well, the usual way. Insert peg A into slot B, vigorously repeat. Best of Barry White CD is optional.” There’s a few ways around this issue. Little Mitch is quite fortunate to have two sets of grandparents who love to take him for a sleepover at a moments notice. Another way is that bathrooms usually have showers and door locks. Another option is to sell Little Mitch on the idea of sleeping in his own room for a few hours by calling it as a “campout” in his room. The trick to making this work is to pitch him on the idea with the same excitement level as you would if you were telling him your taking him to Disneyland. Another option is to involve the couch. Man if that couch could talk, I’m sure the term “dynamo” would come up when referring to my performance. The couches angles work out surprisingly well. For those of you coming to my Superbowl party, don’t worry the couch is scotch-guarded and cleaned regularly.

So why now? Why get him out of our bed now? Is he ready? No, not really. Mrs. Mitch wanted him out of our bed a while ago. I admit it was me who kept him in our bed about a year longer than necessary. I liked having him in bed with me. I got used to that warm little body nestled up to my back trying to wedge itself underneath me. I enjoyed the intimacy of sleeping with my child. I liked talking to him as we held hands as he fell asleep. I loved hearing about his day, his girlfriends at school, and his jokes with punchlines that 98% of the time end up with him taking a shot to the grapes. Yes, my kid calls his testicles “grapes” and no, he didn’t learn it from me, he made that one up by himself. 

I was the first one to hold him on this earth before the nurses took him from me to put him in the incubator so we’ve always had a deep unspoken connection that even Mrs. Mitch agrees is there. That forty five minutes lying in bed with Little Mitch waiting for him to fall asleep was a nice quiet way to reconnect with my son at the end of a busy day. I think I needed him in our bed more than he needed to be in our bed.

I can’t really put my finger on why I felt it was time to get him into his own bed. It just felt like the right time to do it. There were a few reasons. One being, now that Little Mitch is getting older and becoming more of his own person, Mrs. Mitch and I are reclaiming our individual identities other than “worn out parents.” I’m getting some of my hobbies back, and fulfilling my need for quiet alone time regularly and Mrs. Mitch is making her own friends outside of our circle of married friends or my friends. A very good friend of mine, Jen, put it best when she said “I need to get to know who Jen is again” when referring to her own search of balancing parenting and being an individual. As always, she gets to the heart of the matter and that’s what I love about her. It got me thinking, she’s right. I need to find who Mitch is again. 

Based on this premise, I want our bed back. I want our room back. I want to lie on my bed and watch TV, I want to be able to go into our bedroom and be able to lie down with a book and just read. I want to make a move on my wife in bed without having to plan logistically the location of the physical romance. I need my own space. Sorry Little Mitch, time to hit your big boy bed. 

No need to thank me. I’m an idea man. It’s what I do. 

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