Tag Archives: relationships

Mitch Returns: The Mitchening.

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Like a punchy aging boxer with financial troubles Mitch has come out of blogging retirement. Why now, you ask? The people of Earth need me. Like Jesus did after his final performance, it was time to let the blog rise from the dead. Actually, there really is no good reason other than I had an itch to write that needed to be scratched.

There’s going to be some changes to the format of the blog. First, the name of the blog. Over time the old title “Mitch Being Honest” just grew old and tiresome. I tried a few new titles on for size but none I was happy with. Then, I figured if the blog is about all things Mitch why not just call it “Mitch.” Simple, clean, easy to spell and remember. If one name is good enough for Cher, then God damn it, it’s good enough for me.

Over the next few weeks there will be some cosmetic changes to the site but frankly I hate dealing with crap like that so bear with me, it could take months before you actually see these changes.

The blog will still be mainly about all things Mitch and whatever the hell else I feel like writing about. My romantic relationship will still be off limits for two reasons. 1. That relationship is only between me and my lady and should remain that way. 2. I’ve written about dating and relationships to death and I am bored with writing about those topics.

Coming soon! If there’s one thing I love, it’s wine and last weekend after a few bottles I was ranting to the GF how I hate pretentious wine reviews like this:

An intense red, showing concentrated flavors of dark plum, kirsch, dried beef and baker’s chocolate flanked by sublime notes of tobacco leaf and ginger. The powerful finish is filled with sanguine details for it’s low $125 price. Only 5000 bottles made. Best paired with smoked venison with a light walnut glaze, served with a understated caviar pate…”

Let’s face it, as a normal dude who has fully embraced his bachelorhood I am never going to eat that kind of food, let alone ever cook food like that at home. I’m more apt to make some Manwich sloppy joes with a side of canned beans than haute cuisine.

I’ve been drinking wine for years, managed a wine boutique, and have taken numerous tasting courses. At best, I can pick out three to four flavours, tops, and two scents maybe on a good day if I was downwind and my allergies weren’t bugging me.

Not to mention I have never smelled half the bullshit adjectives they mention in pretentious wine reviews. Kirsch? villagepeople-branson's best reservationsWhat the hell is kirsch? I don’t know what kirsch is but I’m pretty fucking sure I’ve never smelt that. Dried beef? I don’t care what dried beef smells like. I don’t want to know nor do I want to smell anything in my wine that sounds like the title of a lesser known innuendo laced Village People song.

As well, a $125 dollar bottle of wine is out of my pay grade so a review like this is as useful as my arts degree. So I came up with a solution. Wine reviews for normal people, who drink normal wine, with a normal price range of $10-$25ish. Simple, no bullshit wine reviews. As an added bonus I now have a rational, viable explanation for my weekend alcohol abuse AKA “blog research.”

So keep an eye out for that feature coming soon…maybe Sunday… if I’m not too hungover.

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I’m Back Baby! And People I Can’t Hang With.

Greetings faithful readers! No time for pleasantries, let’s get to some housecleaning. Yes, I took five months off from writing. Do I feel recharged? Yes. Am I chock full of writing ideas? No. Did the break help? Yes. Am I psyched to be blogging again? Kind of. Did I miss it? Sort of.

Yes, I do realize five months ago I “retired” from blogging but like many a professional athlete who walked away from the game there was still some stuff in the basement that needed to get out. So I’m back to writing on a “semi-occasional-whenever-the-hell-the-mood-strikes-me-without-feeling-guilty-that-I-have-to-write-sporadic-basis.” If Jesus can come back after his most famous final performance well, then so can I. You read that right, I just totally just compared myself to Jesus.

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Will I regale you once more with more comical tales of my amusing dating hijinks and absurd relationship sagas? Hell no. Two reasons. One, I’m bored of talking about that and as I said numerous times in the past Mitch Being Honest was never intended to be about dating it just kind of evolved into that. Two, I met someone quite lovely and out of respect for her and our relationship I’m keeping it out of the blog. It’s been six months and just like when a pitcher is working on a perfect game in baseball you don’t mention the pitcher is working on a perfect game lest you jinx it.

Housecleaning done, let’s get to it.

Five Random People Mitch Can No Longer Hang With.

(Disclaimer: person can come in either gender but for sake of example I may choose one gender pronoun because I am a really lazy writer).

“You know HOW bad that is for you” guy: There’s always that one person who has to mention with a mild disdain just how bad the food you are eating is for you. They always make the “where is that weird smell in my kitchen coming from” disgust face while they say this. Then they start to mention all the healthy just as delicious alternatives. Look, first off, I know how bad the food I am eating is, I’m not a moron. The fact is I just don’t care. I know your healthy food alternatives are good for me but if I wanted that I would have chose that in the first place. When I was a kid my parents said when I was an adult I could eat whatever I wanted, they may have been sarcastically saying it but God damn it, I waited all my childhood to get to that point in my life and I don’t intend to waste that victory. Now, if you’ll excuse me my Reese Pieces, BLT with double extra bacon (BBBLT? B-cubed-LT?) and Bourbon on the rocks breakfast is getting cold.

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“Sensationalist Social Cause Facebook” gal: We all have that person who bombards our Facebook feed with sensational shocking photos of abused kids/dogs/cats/people/nature and the like. Personally, I have no problem with being passionate about a cause. Just be aware that not all of us are as passionate as you are about your cause and the last thing I want to see is a graphic explicit picture you posted about your cause that causes me to lose my appetite for my breakfast Froot Loops whilst I persuse my Facebook.

 “I don’t watch TV let alone OWN a TV” guy: Fine I get it, you’re more intellectually evolved than the rest of us because you choose not to watch TV but you don’t have to be a smug bag of dicks about it. You could just say “I don’t really like TV, I prefer reading” if you say it that way it’s more diplomatic and I may be more inclined to ask you about your reading habits and look at that, we have an engaging conversation. Say it the smug bag of dicks method and I just want to throat chop you with a book about the History of Television.

 “Joggy Joggerson” gal: They went for a jog… They are going for a jog…Once on a jog…This occurred to them on a jog…let them just check their resting heart rate because you know, they jog…the ancient mayans invented jogging…this energy bar is good for their jogs…they’ll get on the Henderson account file right after their lunch jog…sore from their jog but a good sore because you know, they jog…jogging is more than exercise its a lifestyle commitment to jogging…let them just stretch at their cubicle because the hammies are tight from the jog…

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 “That’s what THEY want you to believe” guy. There always that person in our social circle who feels that some vague anonymous “THEY” are out to screw with us. They are ever vigilant for “THEY” and their grifter ways but not this person, they are onto “THEY”.

“Yeah, I got this coupon for my next oil change, $10 off”

“Whoa. Hold up. Thats what THEY want you to think.”

“What? They want me to think I’m getting $10 off? But I am getting $10 off, I’m paying $10 less than the last oil change I got there.”

“Exactly. THEY want you to think that…”

Well, it was good to get back to the blogging thing. See you soon.

-Mitch

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Mitch’s Texts Devoid of Context Vol. 5

“Nothing worse than lame sex. You end up thinking ‘I could have stayed clean and had a PBJ sandwich instead and been 100x more  satisfied.'”

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Return Of The Lone Wolf Phase: AKA See You In 2 Weeks.

Greeting Faithful Readers,

I have come to the realization that Mitch is suffering from a good old fashioned case of dating burnout. Being that my blog is about my take on what’s currently going on in my life, the blog has evolved into a dating blog of sorts.

I have decided to take a 2 week break from dating to recharge and regain some sense of self and faith in creating new relationships or more succinctly I’m entering another one of my semi-famous “lone wolf phases.” This break also means that I will be taking a 2 week break from blogging about dating.

See you all again in a couple weeks. -Mitch.

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Life Lesson With Mitch Lesson 247

THE UN-DATEABLE BY MEANS OF NORMALCY NUT PUNCH COMPLIMENT: 

A  contradictory phenomenon that occurs when you ask your friends to set you up with any single friends they may know, but they can’t think of anyone for you as they don’t recommend any of  those friends as they are very, very single for various unhealthy reasons, as they don’t want to get you and your normal, mentally stable self mixed up with that person’s crazy ass.

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Mitch’s Texts Devoid Of Context. Vol. 2.

“What??? GASP! A relationship with a magician, DIDN’T work out? I’m shocked. ”

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 245

I really enjoy listening to sex advice podcasts. Listening to other people who have REAL sexual problems reminds me that the only “problem” I currently have is I’m going on 5 months without sexing anyone up.

Which, in reality,  is not so much a problem as it is a very temporary minor inconvenience.

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 243

I could never have sex with a virgin. The uncertainty of not knowing whether or not I set the bar incredibly high or incredibly low for her future sexual partners would be unbearable.

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Life Lessons with Mitch Lesson 82.71

82.71*

*Assuming a price of $5 a pound, that is the pounds of bacon I could have bought with the money I spent to get three dates in seven months from my now cancelled Eharmony subscription.

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Relationship Stuntman (Originally Published May 5 2012)

hiking_trail_in_forestI was on one of my exercise hikes the other day. Usually, on these hikes is when I do my best introspective thought. Maybe it’s the relaxation benefits of exercise, the stress relief of physical activity, or the blatant fear of my bran flakes cereal working its magic when I am stuck on a hiking trail nowhere near a bathroom, but for whatever reason walking gets my mental gears turning. 

Whilst on this walk, I began to review the mental game film of relationships with the handful of women I’ve had over the past year and half or so. Disclaimer time, kids. No, I will not name names. No, I will not give any salacious details. No, I will not lay out the details  of why or how these relationships ended. That is not the theme of this blogisode. Back to regularly scheduled programming. 

As I briskly strolled through the river valley trail that cool spring evening, I went over the starting lineup of each relationship. Each relationship varied in its emotional breadth and scope. Some were romantic and some platonic. Varying women, each unique in their own way. At one time each brought something different to the relationship table. At one time, all were part of my life but as relationships tend to do; all ran their course. Some I still talk to from time to time, some I have no contact with. Some you wonder what could have been had things worked out. Some you knew were destined to be short term. Some you still can’t figure out what the hell happened. Some like a Springsteen lyric you think “… I miss you baby. Good luck. Goodbye…” 

I continued to stroll, the cool spring air smelling of wet leaves, and dog feces, (I’ve never been good with descriptive visual imagery, I’m way too practical, sorry.), I followed this train of thought to its next step. For some people with large social circles, relationships come and go, its natural, it’s easy for them. For someone like me, who keeps a small, thoughtfully chosen, social circle, having this handful of relationships with women end in such a small timeframe has taken a toll on me emotionally. 1196029148_1

To clarify, I’m not bitter, I’m not angry, I’m not worn out, I’m not swearing off relationships. I’m not going to grow a beard, move to South Dakota and start a polygamist cult based on a hybrid philosophy I create based on the teachings of Magnum P.I. re-runs and the love songs of Tom Jones. I’m just at a point where I’m a little bruised from the way relationships end. 

Then it hit me. Why should I take the bumps and bruises when a relationship gets rocky? Why can’t someone else do it for me? When John McClane jumped off the exploding roof in Die Hard it wasn’t really Bruce Willis. When Indiana Jones jumped from a galloping horse to the top of a moving tank in The Last Crusade, it wasn’t really Harrison Ford. They used stuntmen. That’s what I need. Someone to take the bumps and bruises for me. I need a stuntman.

I need a Relationship Stuntman.

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My Relationship Stuntman would look strikingly similar to me, but not be quite as handsome, obviously, that’s just a given, I shouldn’t even have to make this point. Probably in a little better shape than me and a few pounds lighter.  He would probably go by the name of “Tex.” That wouldn’t be his real name, but it seems to me most stuntmen have cool nicknames and “Tex” just sounds like a really badass stuntman nickname. 

Tex could go in for me in relationship situations where there is a good possibility of danger, be it emotional or physical to my person. Here are some examples where I would use Tex:

-During a breakup. One thing about Mitch is that I really have a hard time dealing with other people’s feelings and their emotional reactions. It makes me uncomfortable as hell and quite frankly I downright loathe the buildup to getting into these situations. Tex could be my stand-in for the dreaded “We need to talk” talk. I could give him some flash cards of what I want to say and points to get across and in turn he would take notes and report back to me how it went. Meanwhile, I’ll be in a safe undisclosed location. 

-Awkward post break up chit chat. There’s always that time within a month or so after a break up when you run into the other person at a mall or coffee shop or somewhere or you still have to do the “here’s your crap back you left at my place” swap.  The agonizing, “so… how you doing?” chit chat. That awkwardness is the absolute worst. Tex could step in for me and go through the painful motions of feigning interest in this banal conversation while balancing the fine line of not looking too interested in the conversation to inadvertently give the person that hint you’re still into them. Meanwhile, I’ll be in a safe undisclosed location.

-The one that got away. We all got one. That one person who, you never will quite get over. That one person who you will always have feelings for, no matter how hard you try not to. For whatever reason, the universe likes to make this person pop up from time to time. Like a reminder punch to the emotional gonads of that tick in the loss column of your lifetime love sports statistics. I would just call Tex in and he could do the run in with the one that got away, have the comfortable friendly mildly flirty chit chat like no time has passed since the last run in. Thereby, saving me from the predictable 3-5 days of emotional hangover of “Man this sucks, the one that got away. Damn it. This still hurts.” Meanwhile, I’ll be in a safe undisclosed location.

Honestly I could go on forever with a list of practical uses for “Tex”, my Relationship Stuntman but I’ll wrap it up here. 

No need to thank me. Meanwhile, I’ll be in a safe undisclosed location.

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