Tag Archives: self reflection

Mitch Returns: The Mitchening.

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Like a punchy aging boxer with financial troubles Mitch has come out of blogging retirement. Why now, you ask? The people of Earth need me. Like Jesus did after his final performance, it was time to let the blog rise from the dead. Actually, there really is no good reason other than I had an itch to write that needed to be scratched.

There’s going to be some changes to the format of the blog. First, the name of the blog. Over time the old title “Mitch Being Honest” just grew old and tiresome. I tried a few new titles on for size but none I was happy with. Then, I figured if the blog is about all things Mitch why not just call it “Mitch.” Simple, clean, easy to spell and remember. If one name is good enough for Cher, then God damn it, it’s good enough for me.

Over the next few weeks there will be some cosmetic changes to the site but frankly I hate dealing with crap like that so bear with me, it could take months before you actually see these changes.

The blog will still be mainly about all things Mitch and whatever the hell else I feel like writing about. My romantic relationship will still be off limits for two reasons. 1. That relationship is only between me and my lady and should remain that way. 2. I’ve written about dating and relationships to death and I am bored with writing about those topics.

Coming soon! If there’s one thing I love, it’s wine and last weekend after a few bottles I was ranting to the GF how I hate pretentious wine reviews like this:

An intense red, showing concentrated flavors of dark plum, kirsch, dried beef and baker’s chocolate flanked by sublime notes of tobacco leaf and ginger. The powerful finish is filled with sanguine details for it’s low $125 price. Only 5000 bottles made. Best paired with smoked venison with a light walnut glaze, served with a understated caviar pate…”

Let’s face it, as a normal dude who has fully embraced his bachelorhood I am never going to eat that kind of food, let alone ever cook food like that at home. I’m more apt to make some Manwich sloppy joes with a side of canned beans than haute cuisine.

I’ve been drinking wine for years, managed a wine boutique, and have taken numerous tasting courses. At best, I can pick out three to four flavours, tops, and two scents maybe on a good day if I was downwind and my allergies weren’t bugging me.

Not to mention I have never smelled half the bullshit adjectives they mention in pretentious wine reviews. Kirsch? villagepeople-branson's best reservationsWhat the hell is kirsch? I don’t know what kirsch is but I’m pretty fucking sure I’ve never smelt that. Dried beef? I don’t care what dried beef smells like. I don’t want to know nor do I want to smell anything in my wine that sounds like the title of a lesser known innuendo laced Village People song.

As well, a $125 dollar bottle of wine is out of my pay grade so a review like this is as useful as my arts degree. So I came up with a solution. Wine reviews for normal people, who drink normal wine, with a normal price range of $10-$25ish. Simple, no bullshit wine reviews. As an added bonus I now have a rational, viable explanation for my weekend alcohol abuse AKA “blog research.”

So keep an eye out for that feature coming soon…maybe Sunday… if I’m not too hungover.

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Return Of The Lone Wolf Phase: AKA See You In 2 Weeks.

Greeting Faithful Readers,

I have come to the realization that Mitch is suffering from a good old fashioned case of dating burnout. Being that my blog is about my take on what’s currently going on in my life, the blog has evolved into a dating blog of sorts.

I have decided to take a 2 week break from dating to recharge and regain some sense of self and faith in creating new relationships or more succinctly I’m entering another one of my semi-famous “lone wolf phases.” This break also means that I will be taking a 2 week break from blogging about dating.

See you all again in a couple weeks. -Mitch.

White-Wolf

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The Lady List: Part One (Originally Published January 27, 2012)

Greetings faithful readers. Welcome to the first Mitch Being Honest of 2012. Let’s skip the pleasantries and get to all things Mitch.

cd86ee5e-882c-479b-8e3a-d364003ba2d8Recently, a lovely brunette friend gave me one of those year end lists that newspapers love to print in their lifestyle section in the last two weeks of the year when they run out of real news to report like “Cranky old out of touch bastard is pissed about tax hikes” or “local pro sports team which has sucked harsh for years, still sucks, but our rabid fans still have hope, to the point of naive embarrassment.”

I think this article she cut out for me was called “Dating Resolutions For The New Year.” I admit, initially this article was immediately filed directly in my recycle box. To clarify, she wasn’t dropping any hints about Mitch’s game. If anything she’s just the kind of caring thoughtful person who will cut out an article or recipe and make a point of getting it to you. A rare brand of  kind thoughtfulness these days. 

The next day, curiosity got the better of me and I fished the article out of my recycle box at my office desk amongst the unread work memos, unread staff memos, unread corporate memos, unread Little Mitch’s school memos and pretty much anything else resembling a memo. It’s amazing how little information you really miss when you stop reading memos. The trick is when someone asks you if you “read that memo” just say “Yeah. Yeah, I did” and be sure to stop just short of explaining anything remotely resembling actually reading it. 50% of the time they take your word that you read it and the other 50% of the time they have such little regard for your opinion in the corporate machine they won’t ask what you thought of the memo anyways, which means your ass is 100% covered. 

The “Dating Resolutions For The New Year” article had one resolution that caught my interest, it suggested NINEWrestlemania-4-Macho-Man-Randy-Savage_2069674_display_imagethat you make a list of the traits and qualities you are looking for in a prospective partner. Well, now we’re talking!  If there is anything Mitch loves, it’s making a good list. How should I organize the list? By descending order of importance? By ascending order of trait usefulness? Alphabetical order  of qualities?  Hold a 16 lady elimination tournament and crown a winner similar to when Randy “Macho Man” Savage won a tournament to win the championship belt at Wrestlemania IV? After two lukewarm mugs of the warm brown lie my work likes to call “coffee,” and I am being pretty freaking generous with that term, I steeled my nerves with the focus of a man with a mission. I bet this is exactly how Rocky felt seconds before the bell rang for that final epic battle against the giant Russian Ivan Drago. You could cut the electricity with a knife. 

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Twenty minutes later I was stumped. Staring at a nearly blank page. In the scrawl that hasn’t really improved since grade two, I only scratched out 3 points. “How hard could this be?” I asked myself. I’m divorced in my mid thirties, I’ve got another chance. I’m still young. The world is literally my oyster to find the right lady this time around. To quote my cousin Mandy, “You get to have the all the fun you never had in your twenties but with the wisdom of your thirties to know better and the life experience to not put up with any bullshit.” (Advice like this is why she was my Best Woman at my wedding). Three points.

Thats it?

Three. Fucking. Points. 

The Official List of Super Galactic Mega Qualities Mitch Is Looking For In a Lady. (I figured I better up-sell the shit out of the title as the list itself was a colossal washout).

1. Brunette.

2. Hot.

3. Not an idiot. 

To be continued…

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 231

“Mitch’s Mom Acceptable Behaviour Dating Principle”

A self created principle of dating  to keep myself on the morally honest path where if I find myself in a dating situation where I am about to do something ethically questionable or insensitive that affects my latest dating prospect, I stop before I act, think and ask myself, “If Mom was single would I want someone treating her this way?”

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Back In The Dating Saddle…Again.

Greetings faithful readers. You’ve probably noticed a slow down in my posts as of late. This is pretty typical for me this time of year for a number of reasons:

-November and December are prime allergy and cold and flu season for me, and this year was no different. Mainly I lived on my couch in sweatpants feeling like 6lbs of shit stuffed into a 5lb sac.

-January to February there’s really not a whole lot going on. Plus, being in the middle of a Planet Hoth like winter in the middle of suburban hell, I tend to cocoon in my house with movies and books a little more than usual. When there’s sweet fuck all going in your life, there’s sweet fuck all to write about.

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-The video game, Red Dead Revolver: Undead Nightmare, I got for Christmas has sucked entirely way too much of my free time. Killing hordes of zombies in the old west is just way too much fun for me to regret the lack of human contact and ensuing carpal tunnel.

-I’m putting actual honest to god effort into online dating.

Yes, that last one is the jumping off point for this blogisode. As you recall, I took a bit of a break from the online dating world after the soul bruising “Sweatpants Date.” Christmas rolled around and I learned one important delayed life lesson. Being single at Christmas sucks. It sucks almost as much as being drunk with your mom on X-mas eve while watching Die Hard as she starts to wax nostalgic after her fifth whisky screwdriver. I never noticed it my first divorced Christmas because I was working on a huge freelance writing gig right up until Christmas eve, and I had Little Mitch most of the time, I had no time to think about being divorced over the holidays.

Not this year though, I had no big projects, and with sharing custody of Little Mitch with his mom more than the year before, I had more time to myself. Then factor in I was so sick I was just at home with nothing to do but think. Too much time to think with nothing to do is never good for me. Plus, being so sick meant I was not exercising. Which, when you are bipolar and manage your moods with daily regular exercise means you got a depression bipolar downswing coming in the mail. Charlie Sheen’s bipolar gets out of whack he gets porn star girlfriends, more fame and a new tv show, I get depressed and mope like a EMO teenage girl on her first period. That’s when the self loathing starts. To sum, I felt like crap, I was loathing myself and my bipolar perceived “relationship failures” of 2012 and I just felt really, really divorced.

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Finally, all my cold, flus and infections ran their course. I got well enough to ease into exercise again and my moods stabilized and I was back to my regular Mitchness.

I reflected upon 2012 and why I was so disappointed. I figured 2012 was the year I would date, and end up in a healthy relationship, that simple and straightforward, right? Nope. Didn’t work out that way. Me brooding, blaming and loathing myself isn’t going to change that. What was the common denominator for me in 2012 and the relationships that didn’t pan out? Me. Not only me, but my expectations. I realized a good portion of my after the fact disappointment in myself of how my relationships failed in 2012 was that I had naive, preconceived static expectations about how the dating year would pan out. I concluded I can’t change the people I dated, or how the relationships faltered but I can change my expectations. I concluded that when it comes to relationships and dating nothing is going to change if I don’t change it. It was time to get back in the dating saddle again.

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I decided that in 2013 I will take the mentality of a closing pitcher in baseball. These guys are known as “closers”, they come in in the last innings of a game, throw strikes and hopefully end the game with a win. “Closers” are known for having short memories if they throw a bad pitch, or the ability to shake off adversity, and move on. That’s the mentality I need to take. No more brooding, blaming or loathing. When it comes to dating, my mentality is that of a closing pitcher, short memory, shake off the losses and one bad pitch is just one bad pitch forget it and move onto the next one.

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So far, 2013 is off to a good dating start, with three dates with three different lovely ladies. Dating, like baseball can be a long gruelling up and down season, you just need to shake off the bad pitches and keep going one pitch at a time. Play ball!

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Mitch Year In Review A.K.A Crap I Learned 2012 Edition

Greetings faithful readers, it’s that time of year where every website, magazine, news show etcetera does a year in review list where they go back and reflect upon the past year. Mitch Being Honest is no different. Without further delay or fanfare, I give you:

The Mitch Being Honest 2012 Crap I’ve Learned About Relationships In No Particular Order Year In Review. 

  • Breaking up with someone you’re crazy about hurts as much as getting broken up with. Thankfully, the brothers of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels will be there for you.
  • The novelty of post divorce dating wears off much quicker than anticipated.
  • The age difference between a 34 year old man and a 38 year old woman involved with one another, is 4 years to the man, 8-10 years for the woman.
  • My newly instituted “no female friendships” rule while seen as a controversial stance by some has made my life much more drama free.
  • The old saying “sex changes everything” has never rung so true before.

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  • A good case of smoking induced bronchitis has finally broken my habit of resuming smoking whilst recovering from breakups.
  • If a relationship is starting to feel toxic, it’s because it is. And not in the good slutty Britney Spears way.

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  • Getting your first honest to God real blow-job at the age of 34 isn’t as awesome as you think it was going to be when you weren’t getting them. Don’t get me wrong it was still pretty damn good.
  • During good times, bad times, sad times, hurting times, angry times, lonely times, okay times, confused times, all times in between, Springsteen’s music will always be there for you.
  • If you need to hurt during a breakup, hurt. Holding it in just drags out the hurt. Just like flatulence.
  • Your best friend, will remind you why he’s your “hetero life partner in a totally non gay way” when he says “I know you were hurting for a long time after that one* (*breakup). Things will get better someday. I love you, man.”
  • When you start masturbating out of boredom, you are definitely in a rut. But I still count it as part of my cardio exercise regimen.

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  • In baseball and dating a batting average of .300 means solid steady production getting hits. But it also means you’re striking out 70% of the time.
  • Thinking with my genitals did get me laid but it also taught me an important life lesson. I may sometimes think with my wang but ladies think with their feelings after they let you play with their lady parts. Which consequently, is the same time when most of my 2012 relationships began to circle the drain.
  • Those little nagging doubts you choose to ignore in the beginning of the relationship, were nagging you for a very good reason.
  • It’s not just the exes fault, you made the choice to go out with them and brought your own crap to the table.
  • Don’t start/end any relationships on any major holidays. After you breakup you will just be annually reminded the exact day you started/ended that relationship.

I’m sure there is more I learned but I feel this hits the main points. Now that I’ve reflected upon the past year where do I go with this for the new year? 2012 was supposed to be the year I find my “Erica” (My TV dream woman from the show Being Erica whom I am in lust/love with). I assumed I was going to go out on some great dates, hit my groove in the dating game, date 4-5 ladies, then eventually find myself the hot, sexy, intelligent brunette woman I’ve been looking for who would become my girlfriend with some long term relationship potential. How hard could it be? I honestly, truly thought that’s how it would go.

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Reality was a lot different than naive expectation. I did date a few women and seeing as I’m single again its obvious that things didn’t work out. The dating game was ebb and flow, feast and famine, floods and dry spells. I went on good, mediocre and bad dates.

When I was griping about this to Decimawho, she responded with what did I honestly expect? She said the first year out of a major relationship is a year of learning and gaining experience in new relationships, and that’s what 2012 became.

For 2013 I am going to tweak my expectations. In fact, I won’t use the word “expectations.” Here are my INTENTIONS for 2013.

  • Create new healthy relationships.
  • No sex with any new partners too early in the relationship, not until we have a solid foundation built.
  • Trust that when it comes to meeting someone sometimes timing, serendipity, and circumstance are things I cannot control and just lets things happen as they are intended to.

And most importantly,

  • Go do other things, there’s more to life than dating.
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The Mitch Swagger (Originally Published January 9, 2011)

Greetings faithful readers. I trust you all had a fun safe New Years eve and didn’t do anything you regret. Or if you did do something you regret that you at least had fun doing it before you came to regret it, AKA: “Mitch’s Let’s do $7.50 Shooters at the Strip Club Principle.”

A few days after New Years Eve Mitch was at his doctor’s for his quarterly lithium checkup. Banal story short, I got another 3 month supply of crazy pills that have the amusing side effect of making me pee like I got the bladder the same size as four year old Little Mitch’s. Then my doctor tore me a new one about my weight and blood pressure.

As I’m sure you know, a few months back I broke up with working out. In retrospect, probably not the best life choice but a few months of injuries, sickness and a lack of motivation jaded me on exercise. Now this is serious, my doctor was giving a stern warning about my health. At least I think he was my doctor he kept checking my testicles but never asked me to turn and cough and he gave me his phone number afterwards.  

And honestly, Mitch hasn’t been feeling very sexy as of late. There is no sobering reality of how out of shape you are than living in a second floor condo with 5 flights of stairs and a full length ceiling to floor mirror directly outside your bathroom as you step out naked from a tub. Combine this with being sick for the past 6 weeks had me feeling like a disgusting flabby schlub. It was inescapable; Mitch needed to get his sexy back. 

Step One: Exercise. The worst part about working out after a prolonged absence is the aching muscles, the burning lungs, the abdomen cramps; and that’s just from bending over to tie your running shoes. The upside is Mitch has a few years of exercise walking under his belt. So once I get going, the body remembers what to do and the pounds peel off pretty quickly. I’ve already dropped a few pounds. I must be looking better as I caught the homosexual gentleman on my commuter bus checking out the Mitch package as I stepped on the bus, followed by eye contact and a playful smile. Let me tell you, that brought back “The Mitch Swagger”, I should get him a thank you card.

Step Two: Find My Motivation. In the past when Mitch worked out, I would often quit after a few months because I never had a motivating factor. My overall health is too vague, blood pressure too vague, and I never had an ideal goal weight in my mind. I took some “Personal Mitch Contemplation Time” to come up with some external motivators, usually this involves a copy of Esquire magazine, 20 minutes on the porcelain Captain’s chair, and the hope that those bran bars are doing what they are supposed to do. 

Motivating Factor One: Little Mitch. With the way my weight gain was  going I was on the heart attack  highway with an off ramp to diabetes county. I need to be there for Little Mitch. If I were to die who would be there to teach him important facets of contemporary masculinity? Such as the subtle kin-esthetic nuances of dropping a Macho Man flying elbow on your friends in the playground, why you never want to get involved with a woman who says “Who’s Bruce Springsteen?”, and why Sylvester Stallone is an under-appreciated thespian auteur genius.  

That and the fact that Little Mitch asked me with the cutting brutal honesty only 4 year olds possess. “Daddy? You got boobies. Why don’t you wear a bra like mommy does?” Let me tell you, I was getting my running gear out of the closet with the vigour of a horny 16 year old boy on prom night with a drunk date after that question.

Motivating Factor Two: Look Good for My Hot Wife. After 15 years Mrs. Mitch still does it for me. In fact she’s gotten hotter than when we first met. In all fairness would it be fair for her to have to live with  some fat, out of shape guy, who sweats while watching TV? Hell no, I want to look good for my smokin’ hot wife. 

I definitely got in the ground floor of her hotness investment. We met when she was 17, she was pretty and always has been but in the past 15 years she has matured into a gorgeous, sexy, self assured woman who still finds my material funny, even when its not. I lucked out big time. So therefore it would only be fair that I reciprocate and look good for her. 

Yesterday to feel good about ourselves Mrs. Mitch and I went on a clothes shopping date. As part of my New Years resolution to get my sexy back I have officially deferred all my fashion decisions to Mrs. Mitch. I figured who better to make me look good than than the woman who’s invested 15 years in me and still had sex with me when I was fat and out of shape? 

There is no more soul crushing esteem killing endeavour than jeans shopping. The multitude of styles, cuts and shapes is a recipe for Hindenburg-esque self confidence catastrophe. If you ever want a real life definition of “ridiculous”, next time you’re jean shopping try on a trendy cut of jean that doesn’t suit your body shape. The resulting fashion train wreck is akin to a tube of lumpy squeeze cheese that was thrown in the microwave for 3 minutes and looks like its about to abscess.

No need to thank me, I’m an idea man, it’s what I do.  

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State Of Mitch (Originally Published December 27, 2010)

Finally! It took me three weeks but I have finally sat down at the laptop to fire off a blogisode. Why the delay? Four weeks. Four weeks of being sick. Week one consisted of a migraine then a sniffle, week two was a sniffle followed by a cold, week three was a sinus infection, and finally week four was a chest infection. Best part is after four weeks I was healthy a total of four days before I came down with another sinus infection, so I’m off to see some walk-in clinic hack doctor in the AM for some antibiotics. Based on the trend of “four” that seems to be occurring with my health, Im predicting a four hour wait to spend four minutes with a fresh out of med school doctor who can barely speak English to give me a prescription.  

Enough grousing about my health, let’s get to it shall we? The nog is run out, your pants are a wee bit tighter, the thought of more rich turkey and stuffing has your colon cringing in fear and the reality of the upcoming January VISA bill is sinking in. It’s time to admit it, Christmas is over. Like that it’s all over. The build up can never live up to the hype and the letdown is kind of well, a letdown. I call this Mitch’s “Wrestlemania” theory. One single day cannot possibly live up to the hype, the build up, the tension, the emotional highs and lows and the inevitable feeling of being underwhelmed when the big day finally happens. Christmas is like an orgasm in reverse. 

Fear not faithful readers we do have one final day to celebrate this holiday season, New Years. Mrs. Mitch and I have never been big on New Years celebrations. Most years we just end up staying home, alone or with my parents, having a nice dinner, and celebrating the eastern feed of watching the ball drop at 10 PM and in bed at a reasonable 11 PM. Last year was particularly unremarkable. Me, Little Mitch and Mrs. Mitch stayed home and watched “Titanic.” Mrs. Mitch was snoring on the couch before the ship left port let alone hit the damn iceberg, and Little Mitch and I stayed under a blanket until 3 AM finishing the film. Here, I’ll save you three plus hours, the boat sinks, they all die at the end and Kate Winslet officially makes it onto a permanent roster spot of my “freebie” list  of celebrities I get to have sex with, with zero marital repercussions. Don’t look at me that way, Mrs. Mitch has her own list and I’m cool with her thing for Ryan Reynolds. 

With New Years comes the inevitable reflection upon the past year. Let’s not. I’m tired of this year. It wasn’t a bad year by any means but why analyze and dissect what can’t be changed? And unless I get a Delorean and a Flux Capacitor there’s no point. I’ve come to a precarious point in my life. Currently at this point in my life I have absolutely no goals or aspirations. I don’t mean this in a negative, I’ve given up on life in a sweatpants and wearing shoes without socks kind of way. I mean it in a transitional still getting my poop together sort of way. I honestly have no clue what, if anything, I want from the future.

Is that strange? I don’t know how I feel about this. On one hand I feel that I got thirty two years until retirement, and I’m going to need to kill some time between now and then. On the other hand I feel a sense of contentment knowing that I really have no inner drive for “more.” If I had to sum up my current life state I would say, “I’m good”, not much more to say than that. In fact, let’s call this constant serene “I’m good” state with one’s life a “State of Mitch.”  Is this what those monks dedicate their entire lives to? That wasn’t so hard. Maybe those bald sheet wearers should spend a little less time meditating and more time getting to a Mitch like state of “I’m good.” I’m liking where this is headed. It’s been a while since we expanded on the “Tao of Mitch”, let’s add “State of Mitch” to the Tao. Can’t wait until I’m on the cover of Oprah magazine with my revolutionary life philosophy. 

Along with the reflection of the past year there’s the New Year’s resolutions. Every year I come up with a resolution to handle my finances better, handle my temper better with other people and try to be more understanding of peoples emotions. Well the finances are a constant work in progress, and that resolution will have to continue on for another year. The temper resolution was actually going quite well for the year, until last week. First, lady there’s only one person ahead of us in line do you need to stand so close I can smell the chow-mein you had for lunch? I told you to back up because you were making me uncomfortable and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Second, was the condescending smug psychologist who kept twisting my words around to satisfy her man hating agenda. Yelling “you can go (expletive) yourself lady!” so that the entire office heard as I stormed out was easily one of the most gratifying and satisfying moments of 2010, I salute you. Your “Mitchie” award is in the mail. 

Which leaves us with the emotions resolution. Other people emotions continue to perplex me and make me extremely uncomfortable. So unless all you Feely McGee’s out there learn to keep your feelings to yourself, I guess that resolution will continue to be a work in progress as well, and no I don’t want to talk about it. 

No need to thank me, I’m an idea man, it’s what I do. Happy New Year!

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Life Lessons With Mitch Lesson 221

Do you ever catch yourself absently minded thinking about an ex, and straining to remember some innocuous mundane detail about them?

“What was her cats’s name….it was a normal name….some sort of persons name….” then you dig and dig in your memory file and finally come up with it, “Her cats name was Barry!!! Oh yeah Barry. Barry the cat… wait… why was it suddenly so important for me to remember that? I’ll never see her or her cat again…that was a waste of my time.”

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22nd Blogisode Spectacular! (Originally Published October 16, 2010)

It’s a typical Friday night in the Mitch household. Mrs. Mitch is working late, Little Mitch is in bed and I’m taking it easy, trying to come up with a semi-coherent blogisode. I’m finding the most challenging part of writing regularly is trying to come up with a new idea every week. People often ask me where my blogisode ideas come from. That’s a total fabrication. Nobody asks or has ever asked me that. I just see actors using that phrase in magazine interviews and wanted to invoke a grandiose sense of self importance in myself and say “people often ask me.”

Some weeks I have a brilliant idea strike me out of the blue and the words come easy. Some weeks I sit down with an idea to write about and end up writing about something else altogether. I often find that the most challenging weeks to write are the weeks where I fall into the work, home, dinner, spend time with Little Mitch, put Little Mitch to bed, watch TV, go to bed, and repeat Monday to Friday rut. That saps any creativity I may have. You can’t write about life when you don’t have one. 

Then there are weeks like this where all I can come up with is erratic idea snippets; which usually means I haven’t been getting enough sleep and my Bipolar Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is flaring up again…flaring up again…flaring up again…wait, that’s an uneven number…flaring up again…that’s better.

Then it hit me like a Little Mitch flying headbutt to the groin what this week’s blogisode should be about. Seriously, that happens more than you would believe. All 29.5 lbs of Little Mitch flying off the couch headfirst to plant his prodigious cranium in my groin as I watch cartoons with him. I probably didn’t need that vasectomy because after that headbutt he wasn’t getting a little brother anyways. I was going to wait for my 25th blogisode to have my blogisode anniversary spectacular, but everyone does that. 

Let’s be unorthodox! Ladies and ladies and ladies (don’t want a sausage festival) and gentlemen! Welcome to the Mitch Being Honest 22nd Blogisode Spectacular! No cover charge, three drink minimum, and panties optional if you’re hot! I’m feeling lazy and with my erratic OCD thought patterns right now, writing graceful transitions feels like a colossal pain. Therefore, I’m pulling a writers cop out; a list. 

Things I’ve learned from the Mitch Being Honest blog so far.

1. Gaining readers takes time, but it will happen. When I first started, I had one dedicated reader, my nephew Brandon. There, now quit hassling me, I gave you a mention. Actually, he was my first reader and first fan and as a thank you he is the proud owner of an ultra rare, only two in existence Semi-Official Mitch Being Honest T-Shirt. From there, I gained readers slowly but steadily. I even managed to fulfill a life dream and picked up some freelance writing work (Thanks Cuz!) because of Mitch Being Honest. Check out her TV show CAUTION: May Contain Nuts, if you like Mitch’s humour you’ll like this show. 

I’m really not sure how many readers I do have. Would it kill you guys to send me an email “hello” once in a while? There’s probably some software I could get that could tell me this but I don’t have the time or the patience to do that because the point of the blog is to keep myself dedicated to writing not become a low level programmer. In the future, I’m thinking of doing an entire blogisode where the weeks topics are derived completely from fan submitted suggestions. 

2. The “No Swearing Rule.” When I first started the blog I had one rule which was unspoken until now. No swearing. With the obvious exception of the words “A-hole” and “Douchebag” which I have used repeatedly in the past. I mean no swearing using the big ones, the “F” word and the “S” word or any other swear. Why you ask? Mainly I just felt that dropping swears when you write is lazy writing and makes for lazy humour. It’s an easy trap to fall into but a hard one to get out of you full of s**t rat f**king bastard. See? Lazy, and not all that funny.

3. The Mitch Persona. I definitely have to say one of the most enjoyable aspects about the blog is using the Mitch persona to express myself and the going ons in my life. It allows me to distance myself somewhat from myself and be totally honest, which is the basic philosophy of the blog. The weird thing is I really don’t see any real difference to being myself or being Mitch, it’s one and the same guy. It’s kind of like the third Flash. I’ll warn you it’s going to get really geeky in here for a minute so you may want to exit the room for a few minutes, unless you’re a hot chick who’s totally into dorky slightly overweight comic book geeks in their mid thirties, you’re more than welcome to stay; where’d everybody go? The third Flash superhero was Wally West. At some point in his crime fighting career his secret identity was revealed to the general public. So Wally West is the Flash and the Flash is Wally West. That’s how I look at the Mitch persona and myself. I’m Mitch and Mitch is me. That will be the title of my first book, and will feature a soft focus picture of me in front of a lake wearing an Abercrombie & Fitch sweater at sunset looking pensive, self reflective, and as new agey as possible. In reality, I want the title of my first book to be “Really? I’m the one  in this family who needs to be on medication? Really? Really?” and my book will have a Playboy style nude centrefold of a naked lady with immense breasts. That way if you don’t like the book at least you can look at a naked lady and who doesn’t love that? 

No need to thank me, I’m an idea man it’s what I do.

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