Tag Archives: writing

I’m Back Baby! And People I Can’t Hang With.

Greetings faithful readers! No time for pleasantries, let’s get to some housecleaning. Yes, I took five months off from writing. Do I feel recharged? Yes. Am I chock full of writing ideas? No. Did the break help? Yes. Am I psyched to be blogging again? Kind of. Did I miss it? Sort of.

Yes, I do realize five months ago I “retired” from blogging but like many a professional athlete who walked away from the game there was still some stuff in the basement that needed to get out. So I’m back to writing on a “semi-occasional-whenever-the-hell-the-mood-strikes-me-without-feeling-guilty-that-I-have-to-write-sporadic-basis.” If Jesus can come back after his most famous final performance well, then so can I. You read that right, I just totally just compared myself to Jesus.

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Will I regale you once more with more comical tales of my amusing dating hijinks and absurd relationship sagas? Hell no. Two reasons. One, I’m bored of talking about that and as I said numerous times in the past Mitch Being Honest was never intended to be about dating it just kind of evolved into that. Two, I met someone quite lovely and out of respect for her and our relationship I’m keeping it out of the blog. It’s been six months and just like when a pitcher is working on a perfect game in baseball you don’t mention the pitcher is working on a perfect game lest you jinx it.

Housecleaning done, let’s get to it.

Five Random People Mitch Can No Longer Hang With.

(Disclaimer: person can come in either gender but for sake of example I may choose one gender pronoun because I am a really lazy writer).

“You know HOW bad that is for you” guy: There’s always that one person who has to mention with a mild disdain just how bad the food you are eating is for you. They always make the “where is that weird smell in my kitchen coming from” disgust face while they say this. Then they start to mention all the healthy just as delicious alternatives. Look, first off, I know how bad the food I am eating is, I’m not a moron. The fact is I just don’t care. I know your healthy food alternatives are good for me but if I wanted that I would have chose that in the first place. When I was a kid my parents said when I was an adult I could eat whatever I wanted, they may have been sarcastically saying it but God damn it, I waited all my childhood to get to that point in my life and I don’t intend to waste that victory. Now, if you’ll excuse me my Reese Pieces, BLT with double extra bacon (BBBLT? B-cubed-LT?) and Bourbon on the rocks breakfast is getting cold.

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“Sensationalist Social Cause Facebook” gal: We all have that person who bombards our Facebook feed with sensational shocking photos of abused kids/dogs/cats/people/nature and the like. Personally, I have no problem with being passionate about a cause. Just be aware that not all of us are as passionate as you are about your cause and the last thing I want to see is a graphic explicit picture you posted about your cause that causes me to lose my appetite for my breakfast Froot Loops whilst I persuse my Facebook.

 “I don’t watch TV let alone OWN a TV” guy: Fine I get it, you’re more intellectually evolved than the rest of us because you choose not to watch TV but you don’t have to be a smug bag of dicks about it. You could just say “I don’t really like TV, I prefer reading” if you say it that way it’s more diplomatic and I may be more inclined to ask you about your reading habits and look at that, we have an engaging conversation. Say it the smug bag of dicks method and I just want to throat chop you with a book about the History of Television.

 “Joggy Joggerson” gal: They went for a jog… They are going for a jog…Once on a jog…This occurred to them on a jog…let them just check their resting heart rate because you know, they jog…the ancient mayans invented jogging…this energy bar is good for their jogs…they’ll get on the Henderson account file right after their lunch jog…sore from their jog but a good sore because you know, they jog…jogging is more than exercise its a lifestyle commitment to jogging…let them just stretch at their cubicle because the hammies are tight from the jog…

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 “That’s what THEY want you to believe” guy. There always that person in our social circle who feels that some vague anonymous “THEY” are out to screw with us. They are ever vigilant for “THEY” and their grifter ways but not this person, they are onto “THEY”.

“Yeah, I got this coupon for my next oil change, $10 off”

“Whoa. Hold up. Thats what THEY want you to think.”

“What? They want me to think I’m getting $10 off? But I am getting $10 off, I’m paying $10 less than the last oil change I got there.”

“Exactly. THEY want you to think that…”

Well, it was good to get back to the blogging thing. See you soon.

-Mitch

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I’d Like To Thank The Academy…

I’ve been called a lot of things in my day, “asshole” being usually the most prominent, often employed as a verb, noun, pronoun, adjective, adverb, interjection, conjunction and prepositions and sometimes combinations of the preceding. “You assholing asshole of an asshole’s asshole you’re an asshole!”

This however, is a first. I’ve never been called “inspiring” before. I have to say I was a bit taken aback to be nominated for “The Very Inspiring Blogger Award” by How To Date In Las Vegas. Love your city by the way, been there five times.  My failed marriage started there or more accurately the downpayment on my impending divorce nine years later started at the wedding chapel in Bally’s. Anyways, enough of my masturbatory faux “aww shucks” bashfulness, let’s get to the requirements to accept my accolades.

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The rules of the award:

  1. Display the award logo on your blog.

  2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

  3. State 7 things about yourself.

  4. Nominate 15 bloggers for this award.

  5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination by linking to one of their specific posts so that they get notified by ping back.

7 Things About Mitch That Will Both Amuse and Terrify You.

-Due to a family New Year’s Eve prank during childhood that went terribly awry I have an irrational fear of lobsters.

-One of my obsessive compulsive quirks is that I cannot sit at circular tables. My OCD brain likes right angles. You can imagine the quandary sitting at a circular table would cause to my meal.

-I consider myself a cereal aficionado.

-I have a Spongebob wallet that I use as a dating litmus test. I wouldn’t want to date a woman who has an issue with me having a Spongebob wallet. It separates the wheat from the chaff so to speak.

-Mitch really likes referring to himself in the third person.

-I once had to have a “feelings meeting” at work, to make me more aware of other peoples emotions and to be more empathetic to their feelings. Seven years later still struggling with this one.

-I live my life by an arbitrary flexible hero code of rules, but make sure to have enough if, ands, or buts and loopholes to get out of said rule if it benefits me.

The Nominations

Ok next step is to nominate 15 bloggers for this award. 15? Holy shit! 15? Really? How am I supposed to find time to read 15 other blogs if I got my own blog to write? Can I just nominate 5 bloggers but make their nominations worth triple points? Like sex and drum solos, I believe in quality over quantity. I’m going to bend the rules a wee bit. I’m only nominating 5 Blogs but giving 3 three reasons why I like each blog, that’ll count for 15.

Decimawho– Reason 1. Mojave desert dry British wit. Reason 2. I envy her prolific writing output while still maintaing her poetic prose. Reason 3. I have learned so much about Lyme disease from her blog a topic I never would have learned about on my own.

Another Single Woman’s Blog. Reason 1. It’s nice to read about someone who’s out there in the dating trenches like me. 2. It’s nice to get a female perspective about life out there in the dating trenches. Reason 3. You know when they say that people who have gone through and survived traumatic events like plane crashes or natural disasters now share a bond? I feel the same way after reading about her dating mishaps and comparing them to my own.

Today I Watched A Movie. Reason 1. Clear, succinct, organized, well written movie reviews. Reason 2. Clear, succinct, organized, well written movie reviews. Reason 3. Clear, succinct, organized, well written movie reviews.

The Jiggly Bits. Reason 1. How can you not love the title of this blog? 2. Any blog that has a post called “The only Penis That Turns Me On” is totally worthy of my attention. 3. See reasons 1 and 2. 

Wonderbread is Dead. Reason 1. Nepotism. He’s my Nephew. 2. His love of wrasslin’ is equal to my own. 3. I’m super psyched that he’s going to school for film like his uncle did. 

Once again, it’s an honour just to be nominated. “Yo Adrian, I did it!” (cue man-tears)

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22nd Blogisode Spectacular! (Originally Published October 16, 2010)

It’s a typical Friday night in the Mitch household. Mrs. Mitch is working late, Little Mitch is in bed and I’m taking it easy, trying to come up with a semi-coherent blogisode. I’m finding the most challenging part of writing regularly is trying to come up with a new idea every week. People often ask me where my blogisode ideas come from. That’s a total fabrication. Nobody asks or has ever asked me that. I just see actors using that phrase in magazine interviews and wanted to invoke a grandiose sense of self importance in myself and say “people often ask me.”

Some weeks I have a brilliant idea strike me out of the blue and the words come easy. Some weeks I sit down with an idea to write about and end up writing about something else altogether. I often find that the most challenging weeks to write are the weeks where I fall into the work, home, dinner, spend time with Little Mitch, put Little Mitch to bed, watch TV, go to bed, and repeat Monday to Friday rut. That saps any creativity I may have. You can’t write about life when you don’t have one. 

Then there are weeks like this where all I can come up with is erratic idea snippets; which usually means I haven’t been getting enough sleep and my Bipolar Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is flaring up again…flaring up again…flaring up again…wait, that’s an uneven number…flaring up again…that’s better.

Then it hit me like a Little Mitch flying headbutt to the groin what this week’s blogisode should be about. Seriously, that happens more than you would believe. All 29.5 lbs of Little Mitch flying off the couch headfirst to plant his prodigious cranium in my groin as I watch cartoons with him. I probably didn’t need that vasectomy because after that headbutt he wasn’t getting a little brother anyways. I was going to wait for my 25th blogisode to have my blogisode anniversary spectacular, but everyone does that. 

Let’s be unorthodox! Ladies and ladies and ladies (don’t want a sausage festival) and gentlemen! Welcome to the Mitch Being Honest 22nd Blogisode Spectacular! No cover charge, three drink minimum, and panties optional if you’re hot! I’m feeling lazy and with my erratic OCD thought patterns right now, writing graceful transitions feels like a colossal pain. Therefore, I’m pulling a writers cop out; a list. 

Things I’ve learned from the Mitch Being Honest blog so far.

1. Gaining readers takes time, but it will happen. When I first started, I had one dedicated reader, my nephew Brandon. There, now quit hassling me, I gave you a mention. Actually, he was my first reader and first fan and as a thank you he is the proud owner of an ultra rare, only two in existence Semi-Official Mitch Being Honest T-Shirt. From there, I gained readers slowly but steadily. I even managed to fulfill a life dream and picked up some freelance writing work (Thanks Cuz!) because of Mitch Being Honest. Check out her TV show CAUTION: May Contain Nuts, if you like Mitch’s humour you’ll like this show. 

I’m really not sure how many readers I do have. Would it kill you guys to send me an email “hello” once in a while? There’s probably some software I could get that could tell me this but I don’t have the time or the patience to do that because the point of the blog is to keep myself dedicated to writing not become a low level programmer. In the future, I’m thinking of doing an entire blogisode where the weeks topics are derived completely from fan submitted suggestions. 

2. The “No Swearing Rule.” When I first started the blog I had one rule which was unspoken until now. No swearing. With the obvious exception of the words “A-hole” and “Douchebag” which I have used repeatedly in the past. I mean no swearing using the big ones, the “F” word and the “S” word or any other swear. Why you ask? Mainly I just felt that dropping swears when you write is lazy writing and makes for lazy humour. It’s an easy trap to fall into but a hard one to get out of you full of s**t rat f**king bastard. See? Lazy, and not all that funny.

3. The Mitch Persona. I definitely have to say one of the most enjoyable aspects about the blog is using the Mitch persona to express myself and the going ons in my life. It allows me to distance myself somewhat from myself and be totally honest, which is the basic philosophy of the blog. The weird thing is I really don’t see any real difference to being myself or being Mitch, it’s one and the same guy. It’s kind of like the third Flash. I’ll warn you it’s going to get really geeky in here for a minute so you may want to exit the room for a few minutes, unless you’re a hot chick who’s totally into dorky slightly overweight comic book geeks in their mid thirties, you’re more than welcome to stay; where’d everybody go? The third Flash superhero was Wally West. At some point in his crime fighting career his secret identity was revealed to the general public. So Wally West is the Flash and the Flash is Wally West. That’s how I look at the Mitch persona and myself. I’m Mitch and Mitch is me. That will be the title of my first book, and will feature a soft focus picture of me in front of a lake wearing an Abercrombie & Fitch sweater at sunset looking pensive, self reflective, and as new agey as possible. In reality, I want the title of my first book to be “Really? I’m the one  in this family who needs to be on medication? Really? Really?” and my book will have a Playboy style nude centrefold of a naked lady with immense breasts. That way if you don’t like the book at least you can look at a naked lady and who doesn’t love that? 

No need to thank me, I’m an idea man it’s what I do.

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Classic Mitch Post Originally Posted May 15, 2010.

Mitch Welcome to my blog. You can call me Mitch. As you can tell by the name of the site my philosophy is laid right out for you. I’ve come to a point in my adult life where I think I have reached a new level of self awareness and honesty. I have made a conscious decision to be honest with myself, my family, and every aspect of my life. I vow I will always be one hundred percent honest when I write this blog.

 

What will my content be? Frankly, I don’t know. I really just want to write about whatever I feel like discussing that day. I do know what I don’t want my writing to become. I don’t want it to become one of those opinion pieces that are negative in an attempt to  be funny. You are either funny or you are not, I believe it just happens naturally. Some writers think that you have to have a negative slant about everything to be funny. Frankly I don’t, yes I realize the irony of disagreeing with that. 

 I don’t want anger to creep into my blog. I feel a lot of opinion writers fall into the trap of thinking that they always need to be controversial and cutting edge; so to achieve that they need to be angry all the time. Coming from a reformed anger junkie, that bit gets real old real quick. 

I’m hoping my blog will be entertaining, readable and not turn into a pretentious masturbatory ego piece. For example, you’ll never see me at a coffee shop writing on my laptop, too cliche, plus I don’t want to have to start wearing turtlenecks, scarf and a military messenger bag to look the part of “want to be writer”. Actually that look also says “I have  $30 000 in student loan debt from my arts degree and I work at this coffee shop, room for cream?”

 

I’ll write about my personal life, my family, things I like, ideas I have, basically anything under the sun I feel like talking about. I’m going to think of this as an online diary, no strike that, sounds too girly. Journal? Too granola for my liking. Log book? Too high potential for fecal humour. Rant? Trying too hard. Chronicles?  Not enough. Chronicles of Mitch? Doesn’t sound right. Mitch Chronicles. That might be the one. Mitch Chronicles, that feels right.  Plus when they option my book  into a film “Mitch Chronicles” sounds indie but legitimate enough to pad my credibility stats.  I hope they get Leo to play me. 

I’m wrapping this up here, got  much needed  date night with Mrs. Mitch, the little Mitch is at  sleepover at Grandma’s. There you learned something about Mitch, got myself a wife and child.  I learned I am way out of practise writing.

-Mitch 

The Chronicles Begin. (Originally Published May 15 2010)

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